I hate him

I am so annoyed with myself. It has been a year. 12 months since I saw him and It’s not like he is my Ex , just a friend. that’s it. a few texts from him, and once again I am sucked into this stupid crush. It is so ridiculous! I hate him.

and my friends just getting sick with this too.. I am not allowed to talk about him, and it’s cool since I moved on almost a year ago, kinda.

so, we texted for a bit and today he wrote me that lately he is thinking about me a lot. every day.

what the fuck?? you can’t say things like that to me, how can he be so clueless? he is like that with all of our friends, smiling and just complimenting women. to him this is not flirting. I hate him.

he always makes me feel like a stupid teenage girl.

I am 25 years old! I should act my age.

I asked him if he want to have a beer with me sometime, he remembered the bet I lost for him last year – I still owe him a cold beer. so we are going to settle the bet.

I hate him

I really really do.

All you need is love

We all blame the culture. It’s Disney fault , and hollywood, and the patriarchal world. that is why a girl feels empty without a man. It is just so wrong to be alone those days. everyone found your worth by your relationship status. and it is so wrong.

but why is it?

I mean- I don’t think I am defected just because I don’t do boyfriends. I probably am, but it is hard for me to see it. but in my heart I just know it is wrong. and its not the society’s making- It is all me. I need love in my life. I could keep deny it, but I need a man to hold me at night and to travel with me. I need a man to plan my future with, to watch GoT, to complain about the new Harry Potter movie, a man I could talk and talk with and never feel that the conversation is forced. I just want to be in love again. no- I need to be in love again.

but how could I- when I keep rejecting man? when I just plan my travels to be solo and my bed to be single? I could I when all I ever do is denying it, fighting it, trying to forget about it.
I don’t want to get hurt- but what if it’s me that is doing all the hurting?

Behind

Sometimes I really hate facebook.

I hate that window I have to other people’s life. I hate feeling like if I am “behind” others, Like I am not enough. I am completely aware that the problem is with me, with my perspective on the world. but still, I am behind.

You could always hear me claim that I don’t want a boyfriend. and I don’t! except I do. I always blow off dates or over analyze every man that approach me. and I am telling myself that i can’t have anyone controling me, I want to be on my own, I don’t need a guy to learn how to play guitar or to travel with me around the world- I don’t need a man.

but that does not mean I don’t want one.

I miss sex. I miss that feeling you get when you keep thinking about him, the way he hold your hand and that stupid smile you can’t shake. It’s like your life have a new meaning to it – and that is so terrifying!

I am a walking contradiction. I am against marriage, and yet I have my wedding planned out. I don’t do dating, but I do want a boyfriend.

I can not do this anymore. I can’t be this independant feminist woman and value myself according to my relationship status.

I am going away. taking a trip to italy- all by myself. the true is- I am scared. but I am also independant and a very strong young woman.

at least I want to be

Clueless

I don’t know what is going on with me lately. well, I do- and I hate it so fucking much!

I miss the rush. the butterflies.

That special feeling when you wake up in the morning- and just smilie because you are going to see him today. and it does not matter that he is not yours, you are going to see him, speak with him, laugh with him.

Everything is at it’s place.

I don’t think that I miss him- the man I fell in love with, the one that I could not stop thinking about.I believe that I am just missing the idea of being in love. I miss the prospect of companionship, the idea that maybe I don’t have to do this alone anymore.

and I need sex. I never had a dry spell so long!!

I even had steamy fantasies about the librairian. and I hate that guy, he’s always threatening to kick me out when I snick in some soda. earlier today he came to my desk to annoy me once again, and suddenly all I could think about is him “punishing” me on one of the desks in the quiet rooms (who didn’t stay quiet for long). I was so mortified! I kept blushing and stuttering!

The sad part is that I can’t do hook-ups. I wish I could, really.

I don’t really know what I am doing. I don’t know what I want. and even if I did I am completely clueless when it comes to picking out men.

There is this  one friend from class who is really great. and I think I want him. but he is a good guy, I don’t want to play with him.

 

Drunk #1

“I want to be drunk

when I wake up

on the right side

of the wrong bed”

I am so drunk right now. and I only had two beers. I am so tired of being so so lost! when does it end? the unsure part of life? when will I wake up and just know? I just want ot all to be figured out. I want to know what I am doing, where am I going, what is this?

I watch people around me, and it’s like everyone were on a special couse to life, they all just know where they are going, who they really are.

where were I? when the class took part? why was’nt I told about this?

what the fuck am I doing?

why can’t I just find the partner to be there for me? to go trough all of this shit with?

 

 

THE FIVE YEARS PLAN or maybe not

I need to get myself organized because sometimes I feel like I am going nowhere.

2016-

1-I need to finish college- work hard and give it a last push.

2-I need to get a job for a year or so near my parent’s house.

3-I need to plan my trip to eroupe and take it.

4-I need to go to places where I could meet men

5-I need to take on a hobby.

2017- 

1-I need to move out of my parents house.

2-I need to get my teacher licsence.

2018

1-I need to buy a car.

2019

1- I need to start my M.A degree.

2020

I don’t know where I see myself in five years. it is all so confusing! why everyone asle have it all figured out?

I will be 30 years old.

do I want to be married my this point? I don’t think so. I also not sure If I want to have kids- maybe adoption in the far future.

I don’t know anything