The Red Light

So what if I get hit by a bus? I mused to myself, crossing my way to the gas station store. the neighborhood remained unruffled. no vehicles nearby. I didn’t anticipate any. It is, after all, Friday evening in the notorious country Israel.

The teller at the shop didn’t notice my appearance. I attempted to evade his eyes as I stroll in. if there is anything I despise is pity looks. similar to the one a co-worker gave me last year when she discovered that the quiet aspiring special education teacher actually has an autistic sibling. ‘oh she must be so fucked up in the head’ she probably though. but that was alright since I am seemingly am- that fucked up.

When I arrived at the counter, with overpriced beer and every junk I could find, I was very startled to see that the cashier was occupied with his phone and didn’t even notice me. not my hair, not my red face or my closed-off expression. nothing.

Another dark thought passed through my mind ‘I am not the center of the world, I am a tiny star so remote that no one can see me’.

I am not usually this melancholic. sincerely. at the moment I just feel so so sad. and apart. like no one will ever comprehend it.

I constantly tell myself that I should write my memoirs. the capable teacher scribbling about what it is like to work with amazing children that have autism. whatever it is like to be a sister to an adult with autism. a daughter to a very sick man and a psychologically unstable mother.

the thing is- I keep waiting to acknowledge the conclusion. anticipating that moment when I will think- ‘well, I really did it’. but what if this time was never meant to appear. what if I am continuing to fell repeatedly. what if I will never reach the “future me”. the one I aspire to be. the one with all the answers? how can I reach her?

I am a fucking amazing teacher. I grasp that. but, what if it’s not enough?

 

wrong

This one is not going to break you. you won’t let him. you are just going t have a few drinks and maybe a lough and that’s it. no heartache, no tears and no pain. just a drink.  you are not going to overthink it. you will not give him the chance to apologize- and if he is going to make a mistake- you will not forgive him. he will not leave in the morning, because he will never stay the night. he will not know small intimate details about your life- since he will not be a part of it.

that is what you really want, right?

 

 

 

wrong.

 

I am going to give this guy a shot, a fair shot. I am going to have a few drinks and get to know him. and maybe one day he will make me my morning coffee, and he will know just the way I like it. I am not going to think about the past. since it is in the past. and tonight is tonight and this guy is only himself and nobody else.

 

fuck

i really needed this conversation with myself. thanks me .

Still Single

So tomorrow is this day in Israel that is very similar to Valentines day. I suppose this is just another scheme by the flower shops and chocolate and stupid teddy bears. why this day even exists? why do we need one more day to receive gifts that all their worth is to convince ourself that we loved? it is just fucked up. why do we let the big corporations control our life like that? we are just stupid monkeys that follow shiny things all the time, never stopping to think.

yep I am still single.

I use to be so lost, I just did what everyone else were doing- I graduated from high school, did my mandatory military service  and afterwords headed to college like a good little poppet. that what was expected of me. I never really felt in control, never really had concrete dreams about the future. fuck, I almost committed suicide six years ago. but then I found it! for the past few months I finally got a direction, I am heading places I know where I want to be, who I want to be. I suppose to be thrilled, right?

well, I am not.

he likes Harry Potter just as much as I do. and he watches the same shows and reads the same books. and sometimes there were silence, but it was never awkward. I am not upset about it- how could I? we only went out on two dates, the longest dates I have ever been on. we were only together for one weekend. he is just a stranger to me, that is all. one that I am not going to get to know better.

I believe the worst thing about it is that we just stopped talking, there was no big fight or disappointment,  to me he is still the almost perfect guy that is a brilliant kisser, plays guitar and love history-related TV-shows. I have to let him go, that image of him is just wrong- he ghosted me out the minute his exams started, and yes I know I can text him to but it has been so long, and what if he moved, god why he never unfriended me in Facebook?

I am independent, strong woman. I am working in my dream job right now, well I work with the people in my dream job- but I am very close to it! I am feminist, that does not feel lonely and sad because she is lonely and just sad.

 

When Ego is in the way

I met him on a dating site. a charming and smart guy radiating with confidence. and what can I say?

I jumped.

on our first date we went into this seclusive bar. it was only the to of us there watching the people passing by in the street below us. I played with my hair and then he kissed me. he made my speechless in so many levels.

but nothing is perfect. relationships are hard. and opening up for someone new is even harder. on our second date I run my car into a bush, on out third and forth I tried really hard to let him in. on our fifth he confronted me about it, and I promised him I will tried.

and from then on things were looking great. I told him things, we watch Doctor Who together, he remembered how I drink my coffee. yeah everything looked great.

to me at least.

fuck I told him about my brother’s autism- I never talks about that, and yet I did.

for more then a week- he was really busy. studying and working every single moment. I understood that he does not have the time to call or text me at all, and when he did it was when I was already retiring to bed. I was a student to. I got that.

but I missed him. It is stupid but I did. I found myself waiting for his calls but also wanting to give him space to finish his stuff. I think it scared me a bit- me missing him. he is planning a trip for a few months from July, and I just really could not be the girl who sits around waiting for her man! and missing him.

so when he finally was done with his work- he called, and I broke things off with him. I blamed it on ‘not enough communication’ and I just felt so guilty all day- I was a student to, I know what it is like to be on a exam period.

the arsehole texted me later- he blamed me. he wrote that I do not speak with him enough. and that I have a problem. Is he for real?? it was just so condescending! he wrote that I should work on that for my next relationship.

fuck it.

my next relationship? fine! so I logged into my OkCupid account. keep telling myself that it is so soon and I should wait.

but he was already online!

I guess I am that forgettable.

I hate dating.

The easy going act.

I haven’t seen the new guy I am seeing since Monday morning. and it is silly but it feels so much longer. I have only met him a month ago and already I have crossed so many of my lines with him. but does not feels like love, I know love- intense brutal longing that makes your heart break again and again.

my friend says I have a naive look on relationships, that that intensity that joins love usually comes latter, after you forms intimacy. I don’t really believe that. maybe that is what I am trying to prove to myself by staying with this guy. although it does not makes any sense.

I don’t really know what this rant is about. he is leaving for a trip next month and that is when I am going to break this off. I think. if I am planing on ending things- why not doing it now? I keep asking myself that and I have no answer. I don’t really do things that could hurt me in the long run. not anymore anyway. so why am I exited about tonight? why keep telling myself to just end things next time?

baa I am so gonna get hurt from this. the stupid cold, easy going act is going to get back at me.

one month to go.