Drunk #1

“I want to be drunk

when I wake up

on the right side

of the wrong bed”

I am so drunk right now. and I only had two beers. I am so tired of being so so lost! when does it end? the unsure part of life? when will I wake up and just know? I just want ot all to be figured out. I want to know what I am doing, where am I going, what is this?

I watch people around me, and it’s like everyone were on a special couse to life, they all just know where they are going, who they really are.

where were I? when the class took part? why was’nt I told about this?

what the fuck am I doing?

why can’t I just find the partner to be there for me? to go trough all of this shit with?

 

 

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The golden bracelet

The first time my eyes notice it was when they opened her will. It was so beautiful. my uncle opened an envelope with my sister, brother and mine name writing on it. I bet it was written in the old typewriter machine. I didn’t notice. my eyes where locked on the gold bracelet.

And when I claimed it as my own, when I grabbed it from his hand- I just knew I will never part from it. I vagualy remembered the bracelet on her hand, the last time I saw her.

But I was a terrible granddaughter. never called, never visited. when people asked me if we were close- I never knew what to say. because she was my roll model. the woman I so admired, even if it was from a far far away. and what’s kills me is- She will never know. A writer, a single mother and a holocaust survivor. she was superwoman to me. we look a lot alike, but I will never be as free-spirited, level headed like her. I will probably never have the briliant adventures she had. an our last conversation, she told us a story, always laughing and smiling. my dad finished up with his crazy rules-breaking stories. and then she asked me- do you have a funny adventure to share?

And I had non.

Well, not a sober one anyway.

And it made me feel like a complete let-down. boring. a anti-social nerd. and most of the time that is really who I am. I am super shy, nobody notice me when there are other people around. I like to read, I can’t act for shit. and I always always follow the rules.

I am boring as hell.

So when I picked out that golden bracelet – I promised myself that I am going to make some drastic changes, I don’t really want to be myself anymore.

For the past year – I was moody and nervous. I barely went out. I was so self absurbed that I missed out on two (!) briliant man that were so nice and handsome.

I was a such a mess.

And I always always had my bracelet on.

A few weeks ago, someone told me that it was O.K to be the quiet one. I do not have to apologies for being so.. so.. me. I will probably never be an actor, or locally semi-famus like her. I will probably never be the loud one. or maybe I will be in certain situations. the thing is- I don’t need to be like her- for her to be proud of me. there I said it.
I need to be myself. with all the downsides I sometimes find. because lets face it- I am awsome. just the way I am. and someday the perfect man will notice this. someday.

I learned a lot about myself, this past year. I will take my adventures and break a few rules. but I will do it – on my terms, being completely and fully – myself.

So this is me. laying her bracelet in the drawer. no more guilt, no more self-doubt, no more diminishing myself.

I love you grandma.

Now it’s my turn.

THE FIVE YEARS PLAN or maybe not

I need to get myself organized because sometimes I feel like I am going nowhere.

2016-

1-I need to finish college- work hard and give it a last push.

2-I need to get a job for a year or so near my parent’s house.

3-I need to plan my trip to eroupe and take it.

4-I need to go to places where I could meet men

5-I need to take on a hobby.

2017- 

1-I need to move out of my parents house.

2-I need to get my teacher licsence.

2018

1-I need to buy a car.

2019

1- I need to start my M.A degree.

2020

I don’t know where I see myself in five years. it is all so confusing! why everyone asle have it all figured out?

I will be 30 years old.

do I want to be married my this point? I don’t think so. I also not sure If I want to have kids- maybe adoption in the far future.

I don’t know anything

 

the introvert teacher

I am not passive, I am not bored and it is not like I don’t care.
A person could be introvert and still be passionate about things. I could be shy and insecure sometimes but it doesn’t mean I just don’t care about people, about my students and It does not mean I am going to be a terrible teacher.
but everyone (except my counselor- and that is her job) tells me I am not cut out for this.
and who the fuck they think they are??
sure, it will be harder for me at first- it always is. I need more time then others to feel like I am doing ok. but that doesn’t mean that I should think about changing my path.
I hate making life-choices, I hate not knowing what will happen next. I hate it when everyone keeps telling me I am no good
I hate that sometimes I am chanting that to myself.