We all blame the culture. It’s Disney fault , and hollywood, and the patriarchal world. that is why a girl feels empty without a man. It is just so wrong to be alone those days. everyone found your worth by your relationship status. and it is so wrong.
but why is it?
I mean- I don’t think I am defected just because I don’t do boyfriends. I probably am, but it is hard for me to see it. but in my heart I just know it is wrong. and its not the society’s making- It is all me. I need love in my life. I could keep deny it, but I need a man to hold me at night and to travel with me. I need a man to plan my future with, to watch GoT, to complain about the new Harry Potter movie, a man I could talk and talk with and never feel that the conversation is forced. I just want to be in love again. no- I need to be in love again.
but how could I- when I keep rejecting man? when I just plan my travels to be solo and my bed to be single? I could I when all I ever do is denying it, fighting it, trying to forget about it.
I don’t want to get hurt- but what if it’s me that is doing all the hurting?
I don’t know what is going on with me lately. well, I do- and I hate it so fucking much!
I miss the rush. the butterflies.
That special feeling when you wake up in the morning- and just smilie because you are going to see him today. and it does not matter that he is not yours, you are going to see him, speak with him, laugh with him.
Everything is at it’s place.
I don’t think that I miss him- the man I fell in love with, the one that I could not stop thinking about.I believe that I am just missing the idea of being in love. I miss the prospect of companionship, the idea that maybe I don’t have to do this alone anymore.
and I need sex. I never had a dry spell so long!!
I even had steamy fantasies about the librairian. and I hate that guy, he’s always threatening to kick me out when I snick in some soda. earlier today he came to my desk to annoy me once again, and suddenly all I could think about is him “punishing” me on one of the desks in the quiet rooms (who didn’t stay quiet for long). I was so mortified! I kept blushing and stuttering!
The sad part is that I can’t do hook-ups. I wish I could, really.
I don’t really know what I am doing. I don’t know what I want. and even if I did I am completely clueless when it comes to picking out men.
There is this one friend from class who is really great. and I think I want him. but he is a good guy, I don’t want to play with him.
“I want to be drunk
when I wake up
on the right side
of the wrong bed”
I am so drunk right now. and I only had two beers. I am so tired of being so so lost! when does it end? the unsure part of life? when will I wake up and just know? I just want ot all to be figured out. I want to know what I am doing, where am I going, what is this?
I watch people around me, and it’s like everyone were on a special couse to life, they all just know where they are going, who they really are.
where were I? when the class took part? why was’nt I told about this?
what the fuck am I doing?
why can’t I just find the partner to be there for me? to go trough all of this shit with?
I need to get myself organized because sometimes I feel like I am going nowhere.
1-I need to finish college- work hard and give it a last push.
2-I need to get a job for a year or so near my parent’s house.
3-I need to plan my trip to eroupe and take it.
4-I need to go to places where I could meet men
5-I need to take on a hobby.
1-I need to move out of my parents house.
2-I need to get my teacher licsence.
1-I need to buy a car.
1- I need to start my M.A degree.
I don’t know where I see myself in five years. it is all so confusing! why everyone asle have it all figured out?
I will be 30 years old.
do I want to be married my this point? I don’t think so. I also not sure If I want to have kids- maybe adoption in the far future.
I don’t know anything
What am I doing?
Well, that is a question I ask myself a lot. What do I really want? what is the point of everything?
Working, Studying and sitting around with friends that is what my life is made of , at least for the next six months – but lets not get ahead of ourself.
Life could be so confusing did you know that? but everyone just glide through it, and they all seems to know exactly what they are doing and where they are going. I can’t be the only one can I?
The thing is- I have no Idea what I want to do with myself.
I feel like there are two sides of me:
The nerdy quiet girl who just want to be left alone with her books, She is the girl that people come to when they need advice, the smart tutor and future teacher, the kind that is looking for her soulmate, that wants to get marry one day and have two kids and a dog (or a cat- whatever). She is the one that always blush when the conversation become too steamy.
But this is not me, not all of it anyway.
I don’t want to be a teacher, or to get marry – ever. I want to travel the world, have mind-blowing sex with strangers, I want to be more active, I want to make a difference. In my mind I am so independant and confident. and sometimes it comes out – when I catch myself smiling at a man who has shamelessly check me out on the bus, or when I walk every day on my heels on campus on my way to library of course.
but how could I be to the two woman at once? what do I really want?
why is it so hard for me to get into a relationship with men? do I even want that?
yes I do. but also not.
is that insane?