Still Single

So tomorrow is this day in Israel that is very similar to Valentines day. I suppose this is just another scheme by the flower shops and chocolate and stupid teddy bears. why this day even exists? why do we need one more day to receive gifts that all their worth is to convince ourself that we loved? it is just fucked up. why do we let the big corporations control our life like that? we are just stupid monkeys that follow shiny things all the time, never stopping to think.

yep I am still single.

I use to be so lost, I just did what everyone else were doing- I graduated from high school, did my mandatory military service  and afterwords headed to college like a good little poppet. that what was expected of me. I never really felt in control, never really had concrete dreams about the future. fuck, I almost committed suicide six years ago. but then I found it! for the past few months I finally got a direction, I am heading places I know where I want to be, who I want to be. I suppose to be thrilled, right?

well, I am not.

he likes Harry Potter just as much as I do. and he watches the same shows and reads the same books. and sometimes there were silence, but it was never awkward. I am not upset about it- how could I? we only went out on two dates, the longest dates I have ever been on. we were only together for one weekend. he is just a stranger to me, that is all. one that I am not going to get to know better.

I believe the worst thing about it is that we just stopped talking, there was no big fight or disappointment,  to me he is still the almost perfect guy that is a brilliant kisser, plays guitar and love history-related TV-shows. I have to let him go, that image of him is just wrong- he ghosted me out the minute his exams started, and yes I know I can text him to but it has been so long, and what if he moved, god why he never unfriended me in Facebook?

I am independent, strong woman. I am working in my dream job right now, well I work with the people in my dream job- but I am very close to it! I am feminist, that does not feel lonely and sad because she is lonely and just sad.

 

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The easy going act.

I haven’t seen the new guy I am seeing since Monday morning. and it is silly but it feels so much longer. I have only met him a month ago and already I have crossed so many of my lines with him. but does not feels like love, I know love- intense brutal longing that makes your heart break again and again.

my friend says I have a naive look on relationships, that that intensity that joins love usually comes latter, after you forms intimacy. I don’t really believe that. maybe that is what I am trying to prove to myself by staying with this guy. although it does not makes any sense.

I don’t really know what this rant is about. he is leaving for a trip next month and that is when I am going to break this off. I think. if I am planing on ending things- why not doing it now? I keep asking myself that and I have no answer. I don’t really do things that could hurt me in the long run. not anymore anyway. so why am I exited about tonight? why keep telling myself to just end things next time?

baa I am so gonna get hurt from this. the stupid cold, easy going act is going to get back at me.

one month to go.

 

Caught up

I am getting Caught up in this. We are going on to the third date and I can’t stop smiling. that is scary as hell. but I am not going to run away from this. not this time. I am going to see what is going to came out of this. not running, not searching for the bad things. not trying to find stupid faults in the guy and cut it to an end.

and for god sake- STOP SMILING!

Behind

Sometimes I really hate facebook.

I hate that window I have to other people’s life. I hate feeling like if I am “behind” others, Like I am not enough. I am completely aware that the problem is with me, with my perspective on the world. but still, I am behind.

You could always hear me claim that I don’t want a boyfriend. and I don’t! except I do. I always blow off dates or over analyze every man that approach me. and I am telling myself that i can’t have anyone controling me, I want to be on my own, I don’t need a guy to learn how to play guitar or to travel with me around the world- I don’t need a man.

but that does not mean I don’t want one.

I miss sex. I miss that feeling you get when you keep thinking about him, the way he hold your hand and that stupid smile you can’t shake. It’s like your life have a new meaning to it – and that is so terrifying!

I am a walking contradiction. I am against marriage, and yet I have my wedding planned out. I don’t do dating, but I do want a boyfriend.

I can not do this anymore. I can’t be this independant feminist woman and value myself according to my relationship status.

I am going away. taking a trip to italy- all by myself. the true is- I am scared. but I am also independant and a very strong young woman.

at least I want to be

obsession

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They are just so many good looking men in all those dating site’s data. and I don’t see myself with no one of them. is that weird? I do want to find someone special, someone that will be there for me. and yet, I don’t have the patience for that.

So what do I really want? why am I chatting with all those men only to get bored and frustrated? why am I doing this for myself? to them? am I mean? probably.

There is this part of me, a terrified part, that just want to find it. the secret point in life when all the birds sings and you can’t stop smiling like a lunatic. I want to wake up and be complete, I want to be- disney princess kind of happy. I want the dream. I want the lie.

But the other part of me, is just so tired of waiting! so tired of the drama that follow love.

especially when that love is never reciprocated.

I still daydream about him sometimes. my heart just wants him so much. but then again- no. I do not want to be with him. because being with him will be so brilliant, and all good things comes to their end.

maybe I don’t really want him. I haven’t seen him since September, he is probably not the same. I probably wanted him from the begining just because I couldn’t have him. he was my friend, still is. this obsession with him is probably my messed up mind trying to fit my search for love and my fears from it.

I probably never really loved him. how does this post turned out to be about him anyway?

well. I am always thinking about him.

so, dating sites.

most of the men there look a lot better then him! just so you know… my friends reaction when they figured out my secret crush was “are you attracted to him? really?”

yes really!

maybe I should just meet one of those men. maybe some meaningless sex will get him out of my fucked up mind.

too bad I am such a coward to actually do that. besides my roommate hit on most of the men in the area from the site. I really don’t need this.

or maybe I do.

What the hell am I doing?