The easy going act.

I haven’t seen the new guy I am seeing since Monday morning. and it is silly but it feels so much longer. I have only met him a month ago and already I have crossed so many of my lines with him. but does not feels like love, I know love- intense brutal longing that makes your heart break again and again.

my friend says I have a naive look on relationships, that that intensity that joins love usually comes latter, after you forms intimacy. I don’t really believe that. maybe that is what I am trying to prove to myself by staying with this guy. although it does not makes any sense.

I don’t really know what this rant is about. he is leaving for a trip next month and that is when I am going to break this off. I think. if I am planing on ending things- why not doing it now? I keep asking myself that and I have no answer. I don’t really do things that could hurt me in the long run. not anymore anyway. so why am I exited about tonight? why keep telling myself to just end things next time?

baa I am so gonna get hurt from this. the stupid cold, easy going act is going to get back at me.

one month to go.

 

Caught up

I am getting Caught up in this. We are going on to the third date and I can’t stop smiling. that is scary as hell. but I am not going to run away from this. not this time. I am going to see what is going to came out of this. not running, not searching for the bad things. not trying to find stupid faults in the guy and cut it to an end.

and for god sake- STOP SMILING!

Behind

Sometimes I really hate facebook.

I hate that window I have to other people’s life. I hate feeling like if I am “behind” others, Like I am not enough. I am completely aware that the problem is with me, with my perspective on the world. but still, I am behind.

You could always hear me claim that I don’t want a boyfriend. and I don’t! except I do. I always blow off dates or over analyze every man that approach me. and I am telling myself that i can’t have anyone controling me, I want to be on my own, I don’t need a guy to learn how to play guitar or to travel with me around the world- I don’t need a man.

but that does not mean I don’t want one.

I miss sex. I miss that feeling you get when you keep thinking about him, the way he hold your hand and that stupid smile you can’t shake. It’s like your life have a new meaning to it – and that is so terrifying!

I am a walking contradiction. I am against marriage, and yet I have my wedding planned out. I don’t do dating, but I do want a boyfriend.

I can not do this anymore. I can’t be this independant feminist woman and value myself according to my relationship status.

I am going away. taking a trip to italy- all by myself. the true is- I am scared. but I am also independant and a very strong young woman.

at least I want to be

obsession

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They are just so many good looking men in all those dating site’s data. and I don’t see myself with no one of them. is that weird? I do want to find someone special, someone that will be there for me. and yet, I don’t have the patience for that.

So what do I really want? why am I chatting with all those men only to get bored and frustrated? why am I doing this for myself? to them? am I mean? probably.

There is this part of me, a terrified part, that just want to find it. the secret point in life when all the birds sings and you can’t stop smiling like a lunatic. I want to wake up and be complete, I want to be- disney princess kind of happy. I want the dream. I want the lie.

But the other part of me, is just so tired of waiting! so tired of the drama that follow love.

especially when that love is never reciprocated.

I still daydream about him sometimes. my heart just wants him so much. but then again- no. I do not want to be with him. because being with him will be so brilliant, and all good things comes to their end.

maybe I don’t really want him. I haven’t seen him since September, he is probably not the same. I probably wanted him from the begining just because I couldn’t have him. he was my friend, still is. this obsession with him is probably my messed up mind trying to fit my search for love and my fears from it.

I probably never really loved him. how does this post turned out to be about him anyway?

well. I am always thinking about him.

so, dating sites.

most of the men there look a lot better then him! just so you know… my friends reaction when they figured out my secret crush was “are you attracted to him? really?”

yes really!

maybe I should just meet one of those men. maybe some meaningless sex will get him out of my fucked up mind.

too bad I am such a coward to actually do that. besides my roommate hit on most of the men in the area from the site. I really don’t need this.

or maybe I do.

What the hell am I doing?