Cliff Jumping

Why is it so hard to find it?

I feel like I am jumping from one cliff to another, never careful, always worried. sometimes I wish I could run to the top of a mountain, and just yell at the world : ”  I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT” and just wait for the wind to answer. but in the reality of things- their is no cheat sheet, no shortcuts. and it’s sucks. so much.

Sometimes I thing I still love him, or maybe the idea of him. I tried to put it behind me. I even opened a new blog, just so I could get out-  and have a clean page, or feed or whatever. life is just so crazy, I am just so crazy. I mean- I don’t want him. I just want to find someone that will make me feel like he did- and this time do something about it.

perhaps this is the real issue here- not doing anything. because how many times in life came the guy that is so attractive that all you want to do is to be locked with him somewhere. that sweet person that you could speak all night with, and tell him secrets. the man that is so protective and caring

and fuck here I go again…

It had been so long, we are still in touch but it is the past, gone, done.

and this is only one side of the cliff. the romantic side, the part of me that really believe a few of those brilliant man are out there, at least one of them were.

the other side is the realist. you see- I have a new guy. he is also sweet and smart. but I have the felling he is more looking for a sex based relationships. and that is ok. sex is fun. god knows i need some.

but I always do this! spending some steamy nights with a man, having fun. taking it to the extreme. and then when its all over- I feel like shit.

what is wrong with me- I choose to moon over a guy for ages, falling head over heels for a good friend, not doing anything about it. and then find this guy to have fun with, while lying to myself that real love does not exist.

where is the middle ground here? sometimes it feels like I am jumping from one side to another, not really looking in the mirror for the true. I see myself as reckless, independent, strong. the girl that just loves to be single. this not who I am. the other side is screaming : “STOP LYING YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT”.

 

 

 

 

I am just afraid to go for it. always had. I tried not to look down, to forget the last time I jumped, and fell. and fell. and fell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Behind

Sometimes I really hate facebook.

I hate that window I have to other people’s life. I hate feeling like if I am “behind” others, Like I am not enough. I am completely aware that the problem is with me, with my perspective on the world. but still, I am behind.

You could always hear me claim that I don’t want a boyfriend. and I don’t! except I do. I always blow off dates or over analyze every man that approach me. and I am telling myself that i can’t have anyone controling me, I want to be on my own, I don’t need a guy to learn how to play guitar or to travel with me around the world- I don’t need a man.

but that does not mean I don’t want one.

I miss sex. I miss that feeling you get when you keep thinking about him, the way he hold your hand and that stupid smile you can’t shake. It’s like your life have a new meaning to it – and that is so terrifying!

I am a walking contradiction. I am against marriage, and yet I have my wedding planned out. I don’t do dating, but I do want a boyfriend.

I can not do this anymore. I can’t be this independant feminist woman and value myself according to my relationship status.

I am going away. taking a trip to italy- all by myself. the true is- I am scared. but I am also independant and a very strong young woman.

at least I want to be

Drunk #1

“I want to be drunk

when I wake up

on the right side

of the wrong bed”

I am so drunk right now. and I only had two beers. I am so tired of being so so lost! when does it end? the unsure part of life? when will I wake up and just know? I just want ot all to be figured out. I want to know what I am doing, where am I going, what is this?

I watch people around me, and it’s like everyone were on a special couse to life, they all just know where they are going, who they really are.

where were I? when the class took part? why was’nt I told about this?

what the fuck am I doing?

why can’t I just find the partner to be there for me? to go trough all of this shit with?

 

 

THE FIVE YEARS PLAN or maybe not

I need to get myself organized because sometimes I feel like I am going nowhere.

2016-

1-I need to finish college- work hard and give it a last push.

2-I need to get a job for a year or so near my parent’s house.

3-I need to plan my trip to eroupe and take it.

4-I need to go to places where I could meet men

5-I need to take on a hobby.

2017- 

1-I need to move out of my parents house.

2-I need to get my teacher licsence.

2018

1-I need to buy a car.

2019

1- I need to start my M.A degree.

2020

I don’t know where I see myself in five years. it is all so confusing! why everyone asle have it all figured out?

I will be 30 years old.

do I want to be married my this point? I don’t think so. I also not sure If I want to have kids- maybe adoption in the far future.

I don’t know anything

 

excuses

I have this creature inside me and he just want to get out, to see the world, to have crazy adventures.

but he is locked. he’s trapped in the cables of routine and normality.

and sometimes he gets a break, just for a few minutes and then he is free, and happy and he sings and laugh.

but later, he comes back to reality.

and the rest is just dreams.
I want to get out of here, I always wanted that. I dreamt of traveling and experiencing and living.

but there were always the locks. the things that were in the way.

lately I’m beginning to realize that the locks are in my head. I can do anything i wish to.

my mind is just not strong enough. so I made up excuses for being alone, for being here,

for never living the life I always wanted. just because I am scared to get out from here.

but what can I do about it?