We all blame the culture. It’s Disney fault , and hollywood, and the patriarchal world. that is why a girl feels empty without a man. It is just so wrong to be alone those days. everyone found your worth by your relationship status. and it is so wrong.
but why is it?
I mean- I don’t think I am defected just because I don’t do boyfriends. I probably am, but it is hard for me to see it. but in my heart I just know it is wrong. and its not the society’s making- It is all me. I need love in my life. I could keep deny it, but I need a man to hold me at night and to travel with me. I need a man to plan my future with, to watch GoT, to complain about the new Harry Potter movie, a man I could talk and talk with and never feel that the conversation is forced. I just want to be in love again. no- I need to be in love again.
but how could I- when I keep rejecting man? when I just plan my travels to be solo and my bed to be single? I could I when all I ever do is denying it, fighting it, trying to forget about it.
I don’t want to get hurt- but what if it’s me that is doing all the hurting?
Sometimes I really hate facebook.
I hate that window I have to other people’s life. I hate feeling like if I am “behind” others, Like I am not enough. I am completely aware that the problem is with me, with my perspective on the world. but still, I am behind.
You could always hear me claim that I don’t want a boyfriend. and I don’t! except I do. I always blow off dates or over analyze every man that approach me. and I am telling myself that i can’t have anyone controling me, I want to be on my own, I don’t need a guy to learn how to play guitar or to travel with me around the world- I don’t need a man.
but that does not mean I don’t want one.
I miss sex. I miss that feeling you get when you keep thinking about him, the way he hold your hand and that stupid smile you can’t shake. It’s like your life have a new meaning to it – and that is so terrifying!
I am a walking contradiction. I am against marriage, and yet I have my wedding planned out. I don’t do dating, but I do want a boyfriend.
I can not do this anymore. I can’t be this independant feminist woman and value myself according to my relationship status.
I am going away. taking a trip to italy- all by myself. the true is- I am scared. but I am also independant and a very strong young woman.
at least I want to be
I have this creature inside me and he just want to get out, to see the world, to have crazy adventures.
but he is locked. he’s trapped in the cables of routine and normality.
and sometimes he gets a break, just for a few minutes and then he is free, and happy and he sings and laugh.
but later, he comes back to reality.
and the rest is just dreams.
I want to get out of here, I always wanted that. I dreamt of traveling and experiencing and living.
but there were always the locks. the things that were in the way.
lately I’m beginning to realize that the locks are in my head. I can do anything i wish to.
my mind is just not strong enough. so I made up excuses for being alone, for being here,
for never living the life I always wanted. just because I am scared to get out from here.
but what can I do about it?