Fear

Fuck, I am really starting to like this guy. and he want to sleep with me, I am frustrating him so much. he will never say it because he is a gentleman, but I just know it.

and its not that I don’t want him. I am. I really do! but I can’t help it. I am scared to let him in. to let him get to know me at that level. the idea of opening up to him just freaking me out.

the last time I have been with a man with a deeper level of feelings- the guy went mental. he was sick and was admitted to the psychological ward at the hospital. when I know for a fact that this guy is sane, what if there are other things? what if we just won’t work out a few weeks from now? he is thinking about taking a trip, what if he meet a beautiful girl overseas?

But I want him. I really do. and I am so sick of acting like a 16 years old virgin in front of him. this stupid fear is breaking this for me.

how am I suppose to speak with him about this stuff?

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Caught up

I am getting Caught up in this. We are going on to the third date and I can’t stop smiling. that is scary as hell. but I am not going to run away from this. not this time. I am going to see what is going to came out of this. not running, not searching for the bad things. not trying to find stupid faults in the guy and cut it to an end.

and for god sake- STOP SMILING!

Cliff Jumping

Why is it so hard to find it?

I feel like I am jumping from one cliff to another, never careful, always worried. sometimes I wish I could run to the top of a mountain, and just yell at the world : ”  I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT” and just wait for the wind to answer. but in the reality of things- their is no cheat sheet, no shortcuts. and it’s sucks. so much.

Sometimes I thing I still love him, or maybe the idea of him. I tried to put it behind me. I even opened a new blog, just so I could get out-  and have a clean page, or feed or whatever. life is just so crazy, I am just so crazy. I mean- I don’t want him. I just want to find someone that will make me feel like he did- and this time do something about it.

perhaps this is the real issue here- not doing anything. because how many times in life came the guy that is so attractive that all you want to do is to be locked with him somewhere. that sweet person that you could speak all night with, and tell him secrets. the man that is so protective and caring

and fuck here I go again…

It had been so long, we are still in touch but it is the past, gone, done.

and this is only one side of the cliff. the romantic side, the part of me that really believe a few of those brilliant man are out there, at least one of them were.

the other side is the realist. you see- I have a new guy. he is also sweet and smart. but I have the felling he is more looking for a sex based relationships. and that is ok. sex is fun. god knows i need some.

but I always do this! spending some steamy nights with a man, having fun. taking it to the extreme. and then when its all over- I feel like shit.

what is wrong with me- I choose to moon over a guy for ages, falling head over heels for a good friend, not doing anything about it. and then find this guy to have fun with, while lying to myself that real love does not exist.

where is the middle ground here? sometimes it feels like I am jumping from one side to another, not really looking in the mirror for the true. I see myself as reckless, independent, strong. the girl that just loves to be single. this not who I am. the other side is screaming : “STOP LYING YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT”.

 

 

 

 

I am just afraid to go for it. always had. I tried not to look down, to forget the last time I jumped, and fell. and fell. and fell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All you need is love

We all blame the culture. It’s Disney fault , and hollywood, and the patriarchal world. that is why a girl feels empty without a man. It is just so wrong to be alone those days. everyone found your worth by your relationship status. and it is so wrong.

but why is it?

I mean- I don’t think I am defected just because I don’t do boyfriends. I probably am, but it is hard for me to see it. but in my heart I just know it is wrong. and its not the society’s making- It is all me. I need love in my life. I could keep deny it, but I need a man to hold me at night and to travel with me. I need a man to plan my future with, to watch GoT, to complain about the new Harry Potter movie, a man I could talk and talk with and never feel that the conversation is forced. I just want to be in love again. no- I need to be in love again.

but how could I- when I keep rejecting man? when I just plan my travels to be solo and my bed to be single? I could I when all I ever do is denying it, fighting it, trying to forget about it.
I don’t want to get hurt- but what if it’s me that is doing all the hurting?

Behind

Sometimes I really hate facebook.

I hate that window I have to other people’s life. I hate feeling like if I am “behind” others, Like I am not enough. I am completely aware that the problem is with me, with my perspective on the world. but still, I am behind.

You could always hear me claim that I don’t want a boyfriend. and I don’t! except I do. I always blow off dates or over analyze every man that approach me. and I am telling myself that i can’t have anyone controling me, I want to be on my own, I don’t need a guy to learn how to play guitar or to travel with me around the world- I don’t need a man.

but that does not mean I don’t want one.

I miss sex. I miss that feeling you get when you keep thinking about him, the way he hold your hand and that stupid smile you can’t shake. It’s like your life have a new meaning to it – and that is so terrifying!

I am a walking contradiction. I am against marriage, and yet I have my wedding planned out. I don’t do dating, but I do want a boyfriend.

I can not do this anymore. I can’t be this independant feminist woman and value myself according to my relationship status.

I am going away. taking a trip to italy- all by myself. the true is- I am scared. but I am also independant and a very strong young woman.

at least I want to be

Drunk #1

“I want to be drunk

when I wake up

on the right side

of the wrong bed”

I am so drunk right now. and I only had two beers. I am so tired of being so so lost! when does it end? the unsure part of life? when will I wake up and just know? I just want ot all to be figured out. I want to know what I am doing, where am I going, what is this?

I watch people around me, and it’s like everyone were on a special couse to life, they all just know where they are going, who they really are.

where were I? when the class took part? why was’nt I told about this?

what the fuck am I doing?

why can’t I just find the partner to be there for me? to go trough all of this shit with?