Behind

Sometimes I really hate facebook.

I hate that window I have to other people’s life. I hate feeling like if I am “behind” others, Like I am not enough. I am completely aware that the problem is with me, with my perspective on the world. but still, I am behind.

You could always hear me claim that I don’t want a boyfriend. and I don’t! except I do. I always blow off dates or over analyze every man that approach me. and I am telling myself that i can’t have anyone controling me, I want to be on my own, I don’t need a guy to learn how to play guitar or to travel with me around the world- I don’t need a man.

but that does not mean I don’t want one.

I miss sex. I miss that feeling you get when you keep thinking about him, the way he hold your hand and that stupid smile you can’t shake. It’s like your life have a new meaning to it – and that is so terrifying!

I am a walking contradiction. I am against marriage, and yet I have my wedding planned out. I don’t do dating, but I do want a boyfriend.

I can not do this anymore. I can’t be this independant feminist woman and value myself according to my relationship status.

I am going away. taking a trip to italy- all by myself. the true is- I am scared. but I am also independant and a very strong young woman.

at least I want to be

Advertisements

the introvert teacher

I am not passive, I am not bored and it is not like I don’t care.
A person could be introvert and still be passionate about things. I could be shy and insecure sometimes but it doesn’t mean I just don’t care about people, about my students and It does not mean I am going to be a terrible teacher.
but everyone (except my counselor- and that is her job) tells me I am not cut out for this.
and who the fuck they think they are??
sure, it will be harder for me at first- it always is. I need more time then others to feel like I am doing ok. but that doesn’t mean that I should think about changing my path.
I hate making life-choices, I hate not knowing what will happen next. I hate it when everyone keeps telling me I am no good
I hate that sometimes I am chanting that to myself.