The easy going act.

I haven’t seen the new guy I am seeing since Monday morning. and it is silly but it feels so much longer. I have only met him a month ago and already I have crossed so many of my lines with him. but does not feels like love, I know love- intense brutal longing that makes your heart break again and again.

my friend says I have a naive look on relationships, that that intensity that joins love usually comes latter, after you forms intimacy. I don’t really believe that. maybe that is what I am trying to prove to myself by staying with this guy. although it does not makes any sense.

I don’t really know what this rant is about. he is leaving for a trip next month and that is when I am going to break this off. I think. if I am planing on ending things- why not doing it now? I keep asking myself that and I have no answer. I don’t really do things that could hurt me in the long run. not anymore anyway. so why am I exited about tonight? why keep telling myself to just end things next time?

baa I am so gonna get hurt from this. the stupid cold, easy going act is going to get back at me.

one month to go.

 

Second Thoughts

” I don’t know you might be right, but I just think you are giving up to fast. a part of getting to know each other is making mistakes. I am not sad about the breakup, but if you want to keep trying call me”

fuck. why am I not attracting to him? he is so sweet! and I did gave up to fast. but this is what I do. breaking things before they even built.

I don’t know what to do.

A letter to a bully

It annoys me how some people in our life could just hunt us, never going away, ghost from the past just lurking in the shaddows. whats aggravating me is that- they have no idea about their misdeed, no moments of recollection, no awareness of what they did. who made them so powerful? who gave them the means to cut and tear your life without any warning or sign?

I hate him. his laughter still rings in my ears. how dare he? casually sending me a message, asking me if I know who he is.

‘Yes’ I want to answer

‘You were the worst bully I ever had in high school, you put me in the spotlight – when all I wanted is to disappear. you made me cut friendships, you made all the shit I went through at home even worst. and with no real home, and no safe ground at school – where was I supposed to run?’

‘After each time I saw you and your little friends, I found myself crying in one of the bathrooms. everything was a joke to you isn’t it? throwing junk on me, pointing out all the things I hated about my body, still do on rainy days. and I was just so lost and unhappy all the time. you didn’t help much with that.’

Fuck it was ten years ago, why one message takes me back. I don’t want to be back there.

Never.

‘And you know whats hurt the most? you are not evil. you don’t really make the cut for a novel prize, but you just got carried away. you went with the flow, trying to impress the cool kids. and that is what gave you the title of the worst bully in my life – you knew whats it’s like to be different, and insecure. you just thought that by diminishing me farther – you will rise above’

‘I remember one geography class. we were in the 9th grade. the popular act was to steal my table every time I got out of the classroom. by the third time its happend that day- I was so close to tears. I just stood there, staring at the door planning my escape routh – when you just got up and gave me your table. what happend to that sweet boy? you were the only one who didn’t laugh at me.’

‘I know I was a loser back then, I was like the crazy girl from the breakfast club, everything at home was just so fucked up. and then school…I don’t blame you. You just went with the flow, and it was ten years ago. but the casual, flirty kind of message I just got – was really out of place. I moved on, well mostly. I know who I am now, I know who are my real friends and I can stand up to my parents. you are probably different now. unfortunately to me you will always be the kid that aim grapes at my breasts.’

***
sorry about the rant, I just needed to get this out.