When I was a kid there was this game. in this game the teacher choose five girls to stand in line in front of the class. then she called for four boys in turns to pick a girl for pretense marriage. the husband-less ten years old girl is the new “Old Shrew” the kids use to yell it at the top of their voices “Old Shrew, Old Shrew you will never be married and you will be alone”
somehow- that girl was always me.
I have no idea what the teacher thought to herself with this game. as on adult and a teacher myself- I call it abuse and neglect. but that does not change the fact that I can still hear them, every time I mess things up with a guy. after every break up and every wait. I am fucked up. I am truly am.
At times it really hits me, you know? why can’t I just be normal. why do I have to be this Introvert mess? but I promised myself. when I run away to Europe for a month- I will never let other people decide for me. no one is going to tell me what I am and what my problems are. only I get to decide if I am fucked up- nobody else have the right for that.
I don’t know OK! I don’t fucking know. and I already told you to back off a bit. you didn’t listen, why? why? can you tell me? is it because I asked for more time before we sleep together? is it because I am so fucking Klutz around you. why didn’t you listen dumb it!
you ruined it.
or maybe it was me again. I should probably just give up. adopt a cat, or maybe twenty and named them after characters from Harry Potter. you don’t like the series, I guess that was suppose to be my first clue.
I am not fucked up. do you know how hurtful that was for me to hear? I know I am clueless when it comes to relationships. I know I have problem opening up. but I told you, do you have any idea how hard it was for me to tell you?
I don’t like it when people ask me what am I thinking or how am I feeling. that just makes me closed up even more! and I told you that when you just did not give up.
I said I am happy with the way things are going, why wasn’t it enough for you? you say you don’t know how to read me, that I am a closed book. but you are pressing the pages so hard the book is falling apart.
we had a good time tonight, laying in your bed. for the first time since I met you I thought to myself ‘hey. this might work’.
I do not need help ‘communicating with the world’.
I do not need ‘to work on myself’ ‘ to better myself’
and you don’t fucking know me enough to say that to me.
and now you lost your chance.
” I don’t know you might be right, but I just think you are giving up to fast. a part of getting to know each other is making mistakes. I am not sad about the breakup, but if you want to keep trying call me”
fuck. why am I not attracting to him? he is so sweet! and I did gave up to fast. but this is what I do. breaking things before they even built.
I don’t know what to do.
And I broke things off with another guy. one more to the pile.
why do I have such a childish concept of relationships? I fell in love three times, went out with one, the others just got away. but I want that feeling you know? the attraction, the excitement. but what if you only get three chances in this?
fuck I guess the first clue about this one was that I never really programmed his number into my phone, I knew it wouldn’t last. the second clue was that he sometimes asked me what am I thinking, I just hate when people ask that! sometimes silence is good.
I just feel like such a failure. I told myself that with this one I am going to sleep with, to break all the awkwardness- but I couldn’t even do that. and I feel like I leaded on this nice, gentle man- and then just ruin it all. the worst part is that he felt like he did something wrong. when I am the fucked up person.
back to single life again. I really hate myself sometimes.
I just had the worst sexual experience in my life. and I don’t really get what went wrong. I really thought that I want him. I feel like such a jerk.
It really hurt. and I just had to stop him before anything went further. he was the perfect gentleman and when I got dressed I just couldn’t really look him in the eye.
It was just so.. so mechanical. no real foreplay, It just felt a bit, cold. and it is not really on him. but with M it was just so easy! just looking at him made me want him so bad. on our first encounter we were already in second base. but that was years ago.
I don’t really know what to think. should I feel guilty for stopping him? I know I shouldn’t but I still feel so fucking bad!
Is it always going to be with men like that? me being so interested until we head to bed?
this is definitely one of the most embarrassing nights of my life.