The easy going act.

I haven’t seen the new guy I am seeing since Monday morning. and it is silly but it feels so much longer. I have only met him a month ago and already I have crossed so many of my lines with him. but does not feels like love, I know love- intense brutal longing that makes your heart break again and again.

my friend says I have a naive look on relationships, that that intensity that joins love usually comes latter, after you forms intimacy. I don’t really believe that. maybe that is what I am trying to prove to myself by staying with this guy. although it does not makes any sense.

I don’t really know what this rant is about. he is leaving for a trip next month and that is when I am going to break this off. I think. if I am planing on ending things- why not doing it now? I keep asking myself that and I have no answer. I don’t really do things that could hurt me in the long run. not anymore anyway. so why am I exited about tonight? why keep telling myself to just end things next time?

baa I am so gonna get hurt from this. the stupid cold, easy going act is going to get back at me.

one month to go.

 

Advertisements

Second Thoughts

” I don’t know you might be right, but I just think you are giving up to fast. a part of getting to know each other is making mistakes. I am not sad about the breakup, but if you want to keep trying call me”

fuck. why am I not attracting to him? he is so sweet! and I did gave up to fast. but this is what I do. breaking things before they even built.

I don’t know what to do.

Single Again

And I broke things off with another guy. one more to the pile.

why do I have such a childish concept of relationships? I fell in love three times, went out with one, the others just got away. but I want that feeling you know? the attraction, the excitement. but what if you only get three chances in this?

fuck I guess the first clue about this one was that I never really programmed his number into my phone, I knew it wouldn’t last. the second clue was that he sometimes asked me what am I thinking, I just hate when people ask that! sometimes silence is good.

I just feel like such a failure.  I told myself that with this one I am going to sleep with, to break all the awkwardness- but I couldn’t even do that. and I feel like I leaded  on this nice, gentle man- and then just ruin it all. the worst part is that he felt like he did something wrong. when I am the fucked up person.

back to single life again. I really hate myself sometimes.

Cliff Jumping

Why is it so hard to find it?

I feel like I am jumping from one cliff to another, never careful, always worried. sometimes I wish I could run to the top of a mountain, and just yell at the world : ”  I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT” and just wait for the wind to answer. but in the reality of things- their is no cheat sheet, no shortcuts. and it’s sucks. so much.

Sometimes I thing I still love him, or maybe the idea of him. I tried to put it behind me. I even opened a new blog, just so I could get out-  and have a clean page, or feed or whatever. life is just so crazy, I am just so crazy. I mean- I don’t want him. I just want to find someone that will make me feel like he did- and this time do something about it.

perhaps this is the real issue here- not doing anything. because how many times in life came the guy that is so attractive that all you want to do is to be locked with him somewhere. that sweet person that you could speak all night with, and tell him secrets. the man that is so protective and caring

and fuck here I go again…

It had been so long, we are still in touch but it is the past, gone, done.

and this is only one side of the cliff. the romantic side, the part of me that really believe a few of those brilliant man are out there, at least one of them were.

the other side is the realist. you see- I have a new guy. he is also sweet and smart. but I have the felling he is more looking for a sex based relationships. and that is ok. sex is fun. god knows i need some.

but I always do this! spending some steamy nights with a man, having fun. taking it to the extreme. and then when its all over- I feel like shit.

what is wrong with me- I choose to moon over a guy for ages, falling head over heels for a good friend, not doing anything about it. and then find this guy to have fun with, while lying to myself that real love does not exist.

where is the middle ground here? sometimes it feels like I am jumping from one side to another, not really looking in the mirror for the true. I see myself as reckless, independent, strong. the girl that just loves to be single. this not who I am. the other side is screaming : “STOP LYING YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT”.

 

 

 

 

I am just afraid to go for it. always had. I tried not to look down, to forget the last time I jumped, and fell. and fell. and fell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

just enough

Did you ever felt so out of place

so wrong and fucked up

like everyone in the world are trying to change you

looking down on you

trying to make you feel so small

that is how I feel at my parent’s place. my mother, god I really hate her sometimes, she keeps telling people that I have no life. she always bags me about my hair or my shoes. I just will never be enough. I will never be me.

I hate living here. after three years outside I just had to come back. I hate it. and I hate how I don’t have any money to change things around, to move out.

what is so wrong about me reading a book instead of going out? wtching Sci-Fi instead of some shitty reality TV. what is so wrong about the fact that I have a ADHD semi-life, that I can’t really study for long hours- so I procrastinate  and gives up on doing things that might distract me- for studying. what is so wrong about my curly hair? it’s bushy and wierd red colored, what is so fucking wrong about that? what is wrong with the fact that I don’t want a boyfriend right now? I sorry dear mother but you make sure I will be so fucked up to be a part of a steady relationship.

I am 26 years old. I am writing the same post I wrote at 16. and sometimes I really think that it will always be the same.

I need to save up for a new place. but I am also so eager to travel, to be back on the road.

I am just to tired of this, all over again.

I know who I really am, and what do I want and sometimes I just want to scream it at loud. but also at times I just wish I could I have a normal, functional family. a little support from them, no judgement and no me hiding in my room like a teenager.

 

 

 

Drunk #1

“I want to be drunk

when I wake up

on the right side

of the wrong bed”

I am so drunk right now. and I only had two beers. I am so tired of being so so lost! when does it end? the unsure part of life? when will I wake up and just know? I just want ot all to be figured out. I want to know what I am doing, where am I going, what is this?

I watch people around me, and it’s like everyone were on a special couse to life, they all just know where they are going, who they really are.

where were I? when the class took part? why was’nt I told about this?

what the fuck am I doing?

why can’t I just find the partner to be there for me? to go trough all of this shit with?