just enough

Did you ever felt so out of place

so wrong and fucked up

like everyone in the world are trying to change you

looking down on you

trying to make you feel so small

that is how I feel at my parent’s place. my mother, god I really hate her sometimes, she keeps telling people that I have no life. she always bags me about my hair or my shoes. I just will never be enough. I will never be me.

I hate living here. after three years outside I just had to come back. I hate it. and I hate how I don’t have any money to change things around, to move out.

what is so wrong about me reading a book instead of going out? wtching Sci-Fi instead of some shitty reality TV. what is so wrong about the fact that I have a ADHD semi-life, that I can’t really study for long hours- so I procrastinate  and gives up on doing things that might distract me- for studying. what is so wrong about my curly hair? it’s bushy and wierd red colored, what is so fucking wrong about that? what is wrong with the fact that I don’t want a boyfriend right now? I sorry dear mother but you make sure I will be so fucked up to be a part of a steady relationship.

I am 26 years old. I am writing the same post I wrote at 16. and sometimes I really think that it will always be the same.

I need to save up for a new place. but I am also so eager to travel, to be back on the road.

I am just to tired of this, all over again.

I know who I really am, and what do I want and sometimes I just want to scream it at loud. but also at times I just wish I could I have a normal, functional family. a little support from them, no judgement and no me hiding in my room like a teenager.





The golden bracelet

The first time my eyes notice it was when they opened her will. It was so beautiful. my uncle opened an envelope with my sister, brother and mine name writing on it. I bet it was written in the old typewriter machine. I didn’t notice. my eyes where locked on the gold bracelet.

And when I claimed it as my own, when I grabbed it from his hand- I just knew I will never part from it. I vagualy remembered the bracelet on her hand, the last time I saw her.

But I was a terrible granddaughter. never called, never visited. when people asked me if we were close- I never knew what to say. because she was my roll model. the woman I so admired, even if it was from a far far away. and what’s kills me is- She will never know. A writer, a single mother and a holocaust survivor. she was superwoman to me. we look a lot alike, but I will never be as free-spirited, level headed like her. I will probably never have the briliant adventures she had. an our last conversation, she told us a story, always laughing and smiling. my dad finished up with his crazy rules-breaking stories. and then she asked me- do you have a funny adventure to share?

And I had non.

Well, not a sober one anyway.

And it made me feel like a complete let-down. boring. a anti-social nerd. and most of the time that is really who I am. I am super shy, nobody notice me when there are other people around. I like to read, I can’t act for shit. and I always always follow the rules.

I am boring as hell.

So when I picked out that golden bracelet – I promised myself that I am going to make some drastic changes, I don’t really want to be myself anymore.

For the past year – I was moody and nervous. I barely went out. I was so self absurbed that I missed out on two (!) briliant man that were so nice and handsome.

I was a such a mess.

And I always always had my bracelet on.

A few weeks ago, someone told me that it was O.K to be the quiet one. I do not have to apologies for being so.. so.. me. I will probably never be an actor, or locally semi-famus like her. I will probably never be the loud one. or maybe I will be in certain situations. the thing is- I don’t need to be like her- for her to be proud of me. there I said it.
I need to be myself. with all the downsides I sometimes find. because lets face it- I am awsome. just the way I am. and someday the perfect man will notice this. someday.

I learned a lot about myself, this past year. I will take my adventures and break a few rules. but I will do it – on my terms, being completely and fully – myself.

So this is me. laying her bracelet in the drawer. no more guilt, no more self-doubt, no more diminishing myself.

I love you grandma.

Now it’s my turn.