They are just so many good looking men in all those dating site’s data. and I don’t see myself with no one of them. is that weird? I do want to find someone special, someone that will be there for me. and yet, I don’t have the patience for that.
So what do I really want? why am I chatting with all those men only to get bored and frustrated? why am I doing this for myself? to them? am I mean? probably.
There is this part of me, a terrified part, that just want to find it. the secret point in life when all the birds sings and you can’t stop smiling like a lunatic. I want to wake up and be complete, I want to be- disney princess kind of happy. I want the dream. I want the lie.
But the other part of me, is just so tired of waiting! so tired of the drama that follow love.
especially when that love is never reciprocated.
I still daydream about him sometimes. my heart just wants him so much. but then again- no. I do not want to be with him. because being with him will be so brilliant, and all good things comes to their end.
maybe I don’t really want him. I haven’t seen him since September, he is probably not the same. I probably wanted him from the begining just because I couldn’t have him. he was my friend, still is. this obsession with him is probably my messed up mind trying to fit my search for love and my fears from it.
I probably never really loved him. how does this post turned out to be about him anyway?
well. I am always thinking about him.
so, dating sites.
most of the men there look a lot better then him! just so you know… my friends reaction when they figured out my secret crush was “are you attracted to him? really?”
maybe I should just meet one of those men. maybe some meaningless sex will get him out of my fucked up mind.
too bad I am such a coward to actually do that. besides my roommate hit on most of the men in the area from the site. I really don’t need this.
or maybe I do.
What the hell am I doing?