excuses

I have this creature inside me and he just want to get out, to see the world, to have crazy adventures.

but he is locked. he’s trapped in the cables of routine and normality.

and sometimes he gets a break, just for a few minutes and then he is free, and happy and he sings and laugh.

but later, he comes back to reality.

and the rest is just dreams.
I want to get out of here, I always wanted that. I dreamt of traveling and experiencing and living.

but there were always the locks. the things that were in the way.

lately I’m beginning to realize that the locks are in my head. I can do anything i wish to.

my mind is just not strong enough. so I made up excuses for being alone, for being here,

for never living the life I always wanted. just because I am scared to get out from here.

but what can I do about it?

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obsession

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They are just so many good looking men in all those dating site’s data. and I don’t see myself with no one of them. is that weird? I do want to find someone special, someone that will be there for me. and yet, I don’t have the patience for that.

So what do I really want? why am I chatting with all those men only to get bored and frustrated? why am I doing this for myself? to them? am I mean? probably.

There is this part of me, a terrified part, that just want to find it. the secret point in life when all the birds sings and you can’t stop smiling like a lunatic. I want to wake up and be complete, I want to be- disney princess kind of happy. I want the dream. I want the lie.

But the other part of me, is just so tired of waiting! so tired of the drama that follow love.

especially when that love is never reciprocated.

I still daydream about him sometimes. my heart just wants him so much. but then again- no. I do not want to be with him. because being with him will be so brilliant, and all good things comes to their end.

maybe I don’t really want him. I haven’t seen him since September, he is probably not the same. I probably wanted him from the begining just because I couldn’t have him. he was my friend, still is. this obsession with him is probably my messed up mind trying to fit my search for love and my fears from it.

I probably never really loved him. how does this post turned out to be about him anyway?

well. I am always thinking about him.

so, dating sites.

most of the men there look a lot better then him! just so you know… my friends reaction when they figured out my secret crush was “are you attracted to him? really?”

yes really!

maybe I should just meet one of those men. maybe some meaningless sex will get him out of my fucked up mind.

too bad I am such a coward to actually do that. besides my roommate hit on most of the men in the area from the site. I really don’t need this.

or maybe I do.

What the hell am I doing?

Me

What am I doing?

Well, that is a question I ask myself a lot. What do I really want? what is the point of everything?

Working, Studying and sitting around with friends that is what my life is made of , at least for the next six months – but lets not get ahead of ourself.

Life could be so confusing did you know that? but everyone just glide through it, and they all seems to know exactly what they are doing and where they are going. I can’t be the only one can I?

The thing is- I have no Idea what I want to do with myself.

I feel like there are two sides of me:

The nerdy quiet girl who just want to be left alone with her books, She is the girl that people come to when they need advice, the smart tutor and future teacher, the kind that is looking for her soulmate, that wants to get marry one day and have two kids and a dog (or a cat- whatever). She is the one that always blush when the conversation become too steamy.

But this is not me, not all of it anyway.

I don’t want to be a teacher, or to get marry – ever. I want to travel the world, have mind-blowing sex with strangers, I want to be more active, I want to make a difference. In my mind I am so independant and confident. and sometimes it comes out – when I catch myself smiling at a man who has shamelessly check me out on the bus, or when I walk every day on my heels on campus on my way to library of course.

but how could I be to the two woman at once? what do I really want?

why is it so hard for me to get into a relationship with men? do I even want that?
yes I do. but also not.

is that insane?

probably…