When Ego is in the way

I met him on a dating site. a charming and smart guy radiating with confidence. and what can I say?

I jumped.

on our first date we went into this seclusive bar. it was only the to of us there watching the people passing by in the street below us. I played with my hair and then he kissed me. he made my speechless in so many levels.

but nothing is perfect. relationships are hard. and opening up for someone new is even harder. on our second date I run my car into a bush, on out third and forth I tried really hard to let him in. on our fifth he confronted me about it, and I promised him I will tried.

and from then on things were looking great. I told him things, we watch Doctor Who together, he remembered how I drink my coffee. yeah everything looked great.

to me at least.

fuck I told him about my brother’s autism- I never talks about that, and yet I did.

for more then a week- he was really busy. studying and working every single moment. I understood that he does not have the time to call or text me at all, and when he did it was when I was already retiring to bed. I was a student to. I got that.

but I missed him. It is stupid but I did. I found myself waiting for his calls but also wanting to give him space to finish his stuff. I think it scared me a bit- me missing him. he is planning a trip for a few months from July, and I just really could not be the girl who sits around waiting for her man! and missing him.

so when he finally was done with his work- he called, and I broke things off with him. I blamed it on ‘not enough communication’ and I just felt so guilty all day- I was a student to, I know what it is like to be on a exam period.

the arsehole texted me later- he blamed me. he wrote that I do not speak with him enough. and that I have a problem. Is he for real?? it was just so condescending! he wrote that I should work on that for my next relationship.

fuck it.

my next relationship? fine! so I logged into my OkCupid account. keep telling myself that it is so soon and I should wait.

but he was already online!

I guess I am that forgettable.

I hate dating.

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I don’t know

I don’t know OK! I don’t fucking know. and I already told you to back off a bit. you didn’t listen, why? why? can you tell me? is it because I asked for more time before we sleep together? is it because I am so fucking Klutz around you. why didn’t you listen dumb it!

you ruined it.

or maybe it was me again. I should probably just give up. adopt a  cat, or maybe twenty and named them after characters from Harry Potter. you don’t like the series, I guess that was suppose to be my first clue.

I am not fucked up. do you know how hurtful that was for me to hear? I know I am clueless when it comes to relationships. I know I have problem opening up. but I told you, do you have any idea how hard it was for me to tell you?

I don’t like it when people ask me what am I thinking or how am I feeling. that just makes me closed up even more! and I told you that when you just did not give up.

I said I am happy with the way things are going, why wasn’t it enough for you? you say you don’t know how to read me, that I am a closed book. but you are pressing the pages so hard the book is falling apart.

we had a good time tonight, laying in your bed. for the first time since I met you I thought to myself ‘hey. this might work’.

I do not need help ‘communicating with the world’.

I do not need ‘to work on myself’ ‘ to better myself’

and you don’t fucking know me enough to say that to me.

and now you lost your chance.

 

Awkward and Stupid

I just had the worst sexual experience in my life. and I don’t really get what went wrong. I really thought that I want him. I feel like such a jerk.

It really hurt. and I just had to stop him before anything went further. he was the perfect gentleman and when I got dressed I just couldn’t really look him in the eye.

It was just so.. so mechanical. no real foreplay, It just felt a bit, cold. and it is not really on him.  but with M it was just so easy! just looking at him made me want him so bad. on our first encounter we were already in second base. but that was years ago.

I don’t really know what to think. should I feel guilty for stopping him? I know I shouldn’t but I still feel so fucking bad!

Is it always going to be with men like that? me being so interested until we head to bed?

this is definitely one of the most embarrassing nights of my life.

A letter to a bully

It annoys me how some people in our life could just hunt us, never going away, ghost from the past just lurking in the shaddows. whats aggravating me is that- they have no idea about their misdeed, no moments of recollection, no awareness of what they did. who made them so powerful? who gave them the means to cut and tear your life without any warning or sign?

I hate him. his laughter still rings in my ears. how dare he? casually sending me a message, asking me if I know who he is.

‘Yes’ I want to answer

‘You were the worst bully I ever had in high school, you put me in the spotlight – when all I wanted is to disappear. you made me cut friendships, you made all the shit I went through at home even worst. and with no real home, and no safe ground at school – where was I supposed to run?’

‘After each time I saw you and your little friends, I found myself crying in one of the bathrooms. everything was a joke to you isn’t it? throwing junk on me, pointing out all the things I hated about my body, still do on rainy days. and I was just so lost and unhappy all the time. you didn’t help much with that.’

Fuck it was ten years ago, why one message takes me back. I don’t want to be back there.

Never.

‘And you know whats hurt the most? you are not evil. you don’t really make the cut for a novel prize, but you just got carried away. you went with the flow, trying to impress the cool kids. and that is what gave you the title of the worst bully in my life – you knew whats it’s like to be different, and insecure. you just thought that by diminishing me farther – you will rise above’

‘I remember one geography class. we were in the 9th grade. the popular act was to steal my table every time I got out of the classroom. by the third time its happend that day- I was so close to tears. I just stood there, staring at the door planning my escape routh – when you just got up and gave me your table. what happend to that sweet boy? you were the only one who didn’t laugh at me.’

‘I know I was a loser back then, I was like the crazy girl from the breakfast club, everything at home was just so fucked up. and then school…I don’t blame you. You just went with the flow, and it was ten years ago. but the casual, flirty kind of message I just got – was really out of place. I moved on, well mostly. I know who I am now, I know who are my real friends and I can stand up to my parents. you are probably different now. unfortunately to me you will always be the kid that aim grapes at my breasts.’

***
sorry about the rant, I just needed to get this out.