Still Single

So tomorrow is this day in Israel that is very similar to Valentines day. I suppose this is just another scheme by the flower shops and chocolate and stupid teddy bears. why this day even exists? why do we need one more day to receive gifts that all their worth is to convince ourself that we loved? it is just fucked up. why do we let the big corporations control our life like that? we are just stupid monkeys that follow shiny things all the time, never stopping to think.

yep I am still single.

I use to be so lost, I just did what everyone else were doing- I graduated from high school, did my mandatory military service  and afterwords headed to college like a good little poppet. that what was expected of me. I never really felt in control, never really had concrete dreams about the future. fuck, I almost committed suicide six years ago. but then I found it! for the past few months I finally got a direction, I am heading places I know where I want to be, who I want to be. I suppose to be thrilled, right?

well, I am not.

he likes Harry Potter just as much as I do. and he watches the same shows and reads the same books. and sometimes there were silence, but it was never awkward. I am not upset about it- how could I? we only went out on two dates, the longest dates I have ever been on. we were only together for one weekend. he is just a stranger to me, that is all. one that I am not going to get to know better.

I believe the worst thing about it is that we just stopped talking, there was no big fight or disappointment,  to me he is still the almost perfect guy that is a brilliant kisser, plays guitar and love history-related TV-shows. I have to let him go, that image of him is just wrong- he ghosted me out the minute his exams started, and yes I know I can text him to but it has been so long, and what if he moved, god why he never unfriended me in Facebook?

I am independent, strong woman. I am working in my dream job right now, well I work with the people in my dream job- but I am very close to it! I am feminist, that does not feel lonely and sad because she is lonely and just sad.

 

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When Ego is in the way

I met him on a dating site. a charming and smart guy radiating with confidence. and what can I say?

I jumped.

on our first date we went into this seclusive bar. it was only the to of us there watching the people passing by in the street below us. I played with my hair and then he kissed me. he made my speechless in so many levels.

but nothing is perfect. relationships are hard. and opening up for someone new is even harder. on our second date I run my car into a bush, on out third and forth I tried really hard to let him in. on our fifth he confronted me about it, and I promised him I will tried.

and from then on things were looking great. I told him things, we watch Doctor Who together, he remembered how I drink my coffee. yeah everything looked great.

to me at least.

fuck I told him about my brother’s autism- I never talks about that, and yet I did.

for more then a week- he was really busy. studying and working every single moment. I understood that he does not have the time to call or text me at all, and when he did it was when I was already retiring to bed. I was a student to. I got that.

but I missed him. It is stupid but I did. I found myself waiting for his calls but also wanting to give him space to finish his stuff. I think it scared me a bit- me missing him. he is planning a trip for a few months from July, and I just really could not be the girl who sits around waiting for her man! and missing him.

so when he finally was done with his work- he called, and I broke things off with him. I blamed it on ‘not enough communication’ and I just felt so guilty all day- I was a student to, I know what it is like to be on a exam period.

the arsehole texted me later- he blamed me. he wrote that I do not speak with him enough. and that I have a problem. Is he for real?? it was just so condescending! he wrote that I should work on that for my next relationship.

fuck it.

my next relationship? fine! so I logged into my OkCupid account. keep telling myself that it is so soon and I should wait.

but he was already online!

I guess I am that forgettable.

I hate dating.

Old Shrew

When I was a kid there was this game.  in this game the teacher choose five girls to stand in line in front of the class. then she called for four boys in turns to pick a girl for pretense marriage. the husband-less ten years old girl is the new “Old Shrew” the kids use to yell it at the top of their voices “Old Shrew, Old Shrew you will never be married and you will be alone”

somehow- that girl was always me.

I have no idea what the teacher thought to herself with this game. as on adult and a teacher myself- I call it abuse and neglect. but that does not change the fact that I can still hear them, every time I mess things up with a guy. after every break up and every wait. I am fucked up. I am truly am.

At times it really hits me, you know? why can’t I just be normal. why do I have to be this Introvert mess? but I promised myself. when I run away to Europe for a month- I will never let other people decide for me. no one is going to tell me what I am and what my problems are. only I get to decide if I am fucked up- nobody else have the right for that.

no one.

I don’t know

I don’t know OK! I don’t fucking know. and I already told you to back off a bit. you didn’t listen, why? why? can you tell me? is it because I asked for more time before we sleep together? is it because I am so fucking Klutz around you. why didn’t you listen dumb it!

you ruined it.

or maybe it was me again. I should probably just give up. adopt a  cat, or maybe twenty and named them after characters from Harry Potter. you don’t like the series, I guess that was suppose to be my first clue.

I am not fucked up. do you know how hurtful that was for me to hear? I know I am clueless when it comes to relationships. I know I have problem opening up. but I told you, do you have any idea how hard it was for me to tell you?

I don’t like it when people ask me what am I thinking or how am I feeling. that just makes me closed up even more! and I told you that when you just did not give up.

I said I am happy with the way things are going, why wasn’t it enough for you? you say you don’t know how to read me, that I am a closed book. but you are pressing the pages so hard the book is falling apart.

we had a good time tonight, laying in your bed. for the first time since I met you I thought to myself ‘hey. this might work’.

I do not need help ‘communicating with the world’.

I do not need ‘to work on myself’ ‘ to better myself’

and you don’t fucking know me enough to say that to me.

and now you lost your chance.

 

Second Thoughts

” I don’t know you might be right, but I just think you are giving up to fast. a part of getting to know each other is making mistakes. I am not sad about the breakup, but if you want to keep trying call me”

fuck. why am I not attracting to him? he is so sweet! and I did gave up to fast. but this is what I do. breaking things before they even built.

I don’t know what to do.

Single Again

And I broke things off with another guy. one more to the pile.

why do I have such a childish concept of relationships? I fell in love three times, went out with one, the others just got away. but I want that feeling you know? the attraction, the excitement. but what if you only get three chances in this?

fuck I guess the first clue about this one was that I never really programmed his number into my phone, I knew it wouldn’t last. the second clue was that he sometimes asked me what am I thinking, I just hate when people ask that! sometimes silence is good.

I just feel like such a failure.  I told myself that with this one I am going to sleep with, to break all the awkwardness- but I couldn’t even do that. and I feel like I leaded  on this nice, gentle man- and then just ruin it all. the worst part is that he felt like he did something wrong. when I am the fucked up person.

back to single life again. I really hate myself sometimes.

just enough

Did you ever felt so out of place

so wrong and fucked up

like everyone in the world are trying to change you

looking down on you

trying to make you feel so small

that is how I feel at my parent’s place. my mother, god I really hate her sometimes, she keeps telling people that I have no life. she always bags me about my hair or my shoes. I just will never be enough. I will never be me.

I hate living here. after three years outside I just had to come back. I hate it. and I hate how I don’t have any money to change things around, to move out.

what is so wrong about me reading a book instead of going out? wtching Sci-Fi instead of some shitty reality TV. what is so wrong about the fact that I have a ADHD semi-life, that I can’t really study for long hours- so I procrastinate  and gives up on doing things that might distract me- for studying. what is so wrong about my curly hair? it’s bushy and wierd red colored, what is so fucking wrong about that? what is wrong with the fact that I don’t want a boyfriend right now? I sorry dear mother but you make sure I will be so fucked up to be a part of a steady relationship.

I am 26 years old. I am writing the same post I wrote at 16. and sometimes I really think that it will always be the same.

I need to save up for a new place. but I am also so eager to travel, to be back on the road.

I am just to tired of this, all over again.

I know who I really am, and what do I want and sometimes I just want to scream it at loud. but also at times I just wish I could I have a normal, functional family. a little support from them, no judgement and no me hiding in my room like a teenager.