wrong

This one is not going to break you. you won’t let him. you are just going t have a few drinks and maybe a lough and that’s it. no heartache, no tears and no pain. just a drink.  you are not going to overthink it. you will not give him the chance to apologize- and if he is going to make a mistake- you will not forgive him. he will not leave in the morning, because he will never stay the night. he will not know small intimate details about your life- since he will not be a part of it.

that is what you really want, right?

 

 

 

wrong.

 

I am going to give this guy a shot, a fair shot. I am going to have a few drinks and get to know him. and maybe one day he will make me my morning coffee, and he will know just the way I like it. I am not going to think about the past. since it is in the past. and tonight is tonight and this guy is only himself and nobody else.

 

fuck

i really needed this conversation with myself. thanks me .

The easy going act.

I haven’t seen the new guy I am seeing since Monday morning. and it is silly but it feels so much longer. I have only met him a month ago and already I have crossed so many of my lines with him. but does not feels like love, I know love- intense brutal longing that makes your heart break again and again.

my friend says I have a naive look on relationships, that that intensity that joins love usually comes latter, after you forms intimacy. I don’t really believe that. maybe that is what I am trying to prove to myself by staying with this guy. although it does not makes any sense.

I don’t really know what this rant is about. he is leaving for a trip next month and that is when I am going to break this off. I think. if I am planing on ending things- why not doing it now? I keep asking myself that and I have no answer. I don’t really do things that could hurt me in the long run. not anymore anyway. so why am I exited about tonight? why keep telling myself to just end things next time?

baa I am so gonna get hurt from this. the stupid cold, easy going act is going to get back at me.

one month to go.

 

I hate him

I am so annoyed with myself. It has been a year. 12 months since I saw him and It’s not like he is my Ex , just a friend. that’s it. a few texts from him, and once again I am sucked into this stupid crush. It is so ridiculous! I hate him.

and my friends just getting sick with this too.. I am not allowed to talk about him, and it’s cool since I moved on almost a year ago, kinda.

so, we texted for a bit and today he wrote me that lately he is thinking about me a lot. every day.

what the fuck?? you can’t say things like that to me, how can he be so clueless? he is like that with all of our friends, smiling and just complimenting women. to him this is not flirting. I hate him.

he always makes me feel like a stupid teenage girl.

I am 25 years old! I should act my age.

I asked him if he want to have a beer with me sometime, he remembered the bet I lost for him last year – I still owe him a cold beer. so we are going to settle the bet.

I hate him

I really really do.

obsession

They are just so many good looking men in all those dating site’s data. and I don’t see myself with no one of them. is that weird? I do want to find someone special, someone that will be there for me. and yet, I don’t have the patience for that.

So what do I really want? why am I chatting with all those men only to get bored and frustrated? why am I doing this for myself? to them? am I mean? probably.

There is this part of me, a terrified part, that just want to find it. the secret point in life when all the birds sings and you can’t stop smiling like a lunatic. I want to wake up and be complete, I want to be- disney princess kind of happy. I want the dream. I want the lie.

But the other part of me, is just so tired of waiting! so tired of the drama that follow love.

especially when that love is never reciprocated.

I still daydream about him sometimes. my heart just wants him so much. but then again- no. I do not want to be with him. because being with him will be so brilliant, and all good things comes to their end.

maybe I don’t really want him. I haven’t seen him since September, he is probably not the same. I probably wanted him from the begining just because I couldn’t have him. he was my friend, still is. this obsession with him is probably my messed up mind trying to fit my search for love and my fears from it.

I probably never really loved him. how does this post turned out to be about him anyway?

well. I am always thinking about him.

so, dating sites.

most of the men there look a lot better then him! just so you know… my friends reaction when they figured out my secret crush was “are you attracted to him? really?”

yes really!

maybe I should just meet one of those men. maybe some meaningless sex will get him out of my fucked up mind.

too bad I am such a coward to actually do that. besides my roommate hit on most of the men in the area from the site. I really don’t need this.

or maybe I do.

What the hell am I doing?