What am I doing?
Well, that is a question I ask myself a lot. What do I really want? what is the point of everything?
Life could be so confusing did you know that? but everyone just glide through it, and they all seems to know exactly what they are doing and where they are going. I can’t be the only one can I?
The thing is- I have no Idea what I want to do with myself.
I feel like there are two sides of me:
The nerdy quiet girl who just want to be left alone with her books, She is the girl that people come to when they need advice, the smart tutor and future teacher, the kind that is looking for her soulmate, that wants to get marry one day and have two kids and a dog (or a cat- whatever). She is the one that always blush when the conversation become too steamy.
But this is not me, not all of it anyway.
I don’t want to be a teacher, or to get marry – ever. I want to travel the world, have mind-blowing sex with strangers, I want to be more active, I want to make a difference. In my mind I am so independant and confident. and sometimes it comes out – when I catch myself smiling at a man who has shamelessly checked me out on the bus, or when I walk every day on my heels on campus-on my way to library of course.
but how could I be to the two woman at once? what do I really want?
why is it so hard for me to get into a relationship with men? do I even want that?
yes I do. but also not.
is that insane?
I do want to become a teacher. I am just a bit afraid of it. there is just so much pressure in becoming a special ed teacher but I want it. I really want it, and I believe I could be good at it. the problem is- that is the only thing I can be certain of.
I do want a relationship, and for the first time in my life, at the age of 27- I am ready for it. but the rest of the world isn’t. I am way to complicated for one man. to independent but also to childish at times.
anyway- this is me at the moment and I just need to live with it and be proud of it.