When Ego is in the way

I met him on a dating site. a charming and smart guy radiating with confidence. and what can I say?

I jumped.

on our first date we went into this seclusive bar. it was only the to of us there watching the people passing by in the street below us. I played with my hair and then he kissed me. he made my speechless in so many levels.

but nothing is perfect. relationships are hard. and opening up for someone new is even harder. on our second date I run my car into a bush, on out third and forth I tried really hard to let him in. on our fifth he confronted me about it, and I promised him I will tried.

and from then on things were looking great. I told him things, we watch Doctor Who together, he remembered how I drink my coffee. yeah everything looked great.

to me at least.

fuck I told him about my brother’s autism- I never talks about that, and yet I did.

for more then a week- he was really busy. studying and working every single moment. I understood that he does not have the time to call or text me at all, and when he did it was when I was already retiring to bed. I was a student to. I got that.

but I missed him. It is stupid but I did. I found myself waiting for his calls but also wanting to give him space to finish his stuff. I think it scared me a bit- me missing him. he is planning a trip for a few months from July, and I just really could not be the girl who sits around waiting for her man! and missing him.

so when he finally was done with his work- he called, and I broke things off with him. I blamed it on ‘not enough communication’ and I just felt so guilty all day- I was a student to, I know what it is like to be on a exam period.

the arsehole texted me later- he blamed me. he wrote that I do not speak with him enough. and that I have a problem. Is he for real?? it was just so condescending! he wrote that I should work on that for my next relationship.

fuck it.

my next relationship? fine! so I logged into my OkCupid account. keep telling myself that it is so soon and I should wait.

but he was already online!

I guess I am that forgettable.

I hate dating.

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The easy going act.

I haven’t seen the new guy I am seeing since Monday morning. and it is silly but it feels so much longer. I have only met him a month ago and already I have crossed so many of my lines with him. but does not feels like love, I know love- intense brutal longing that makes your heart break again and again.

my friend says I have a naive look on relationships, that that intensity that joins love usually comes latter, after you forms intimacy. I don’t really believe that. maybe that is what I am trying to prove to myself by staying with this guy. although it does not makes any sense.

I don’t really know what this rant is about. he is leaving for a trip next month and that is when I am going to break this off. I think. if I am planing on ending things- why not doing it now? I keep asking myself that and I have no answer. I don’t really do things that could hurt me in the long run. not anymore anyway. so why am I exited about tonight? why keep telling myself to just end things next time?

baa I am so gonna get hurt from this. the stupid cold, easy going act is going to get back at me.

one month to go.

 

Old Shrew

When I was a kid there was this game.  in this game the teacher choose five girls to stand in line in front of the class. then she called for four boys in turns to pick a girl for pretense marriage. the husband-less ten years old girl is the new “Old Shrew” the kids use to yell it at the top of their voices “Old Shrew, Old Shrew you will never be married and you will be alone”

somehow- that girl was always me.

I have no idea what the teacher thought to herself with this game. as on adult and a teacher myself- I call it abuse and neglect. but that does not change the fact that I can still hear them, every time I mess things up with a guy. after every break up and every wait. I am fucked up. I am truly am.

At times it really hits me, you know? why can’t I just be normal. why do I have to be this Introvert mess? but I promised myself. when I run away to Europe for a month- I will never let other people decide for me. no one is going to tell me what I am and what my problems are. only I get to decide if I am fucked up- nobody else have the right for that.

no one.