just enough

Did you ever felt so out of place

so wrong and fucked up

like everyone in the world are trying to change you

looking down on you

trying to make you feel so small

that is how I feel at my parent’s place. my mother, god I really hate her sometimes, she keeps telling people that I have no life. she always bags me about my hair or my shoes. I just will never be enough. I will never be me.

I hate living here. after three years outside I just had to come back. I hate it. and I hate how I don’t have any money to change things around, to move out.

what is so wrong about me reading a book instead of going out? wtching Sci-Fi instead of some shitty reality TV. what is so wrong about the fact that I have a ADHD semi-life, that I can’t really study for long hours- so I procrastinate  and gives up on doing things that might distract me- for studying. what is so wrong about my curly hair? it’s bushy and wierd red colored, what is so fucking wrong about that? what is wrong with the fact that I don’t want a boyfriend right now? I sorry dear mother but you make sure I will be so fucked up to be a part of a steady relationship.

I am 26 years old. I am writing the same post I wrote at 16. and sometimes I really think that it will always be the same.

I need to save up for a new place. but I am also so eager to travel, to be back on the road.

I am just to tired of this, all over again.

I know who I really am, and what do I want and sometimes I just want to scream it at loud. but also at times I just wish I could I have a normal, functional family. a little support from them, no judgement and no me hiding in my room like a teenager.

 

 

 

I hate him

I am so annoyed with myself. It has been a year. 12 months since I saw him and It’s not like he is my Ex , just a friend. that’s it. a few texts from him, and once again I am sucked into this stupid crush. It is so ridiculous! I hate him.

and my friends just getting sick with this too.. I am not allowed to talk about him, and it’s cool since I moved on almost a year ago, kinda.

so, we texted for a bit and today he wrote me that lately he is thinking about me a lot. every day.

what the fuck?? you can’t say things like that to me, how can he be so clueless? he is like that with all of our friends, smiling and just complimenting women. to him this is not flirting. I hate him.

he always makes me feel like a stupid teenage girl.

I am 25 years old! I should act my age.

I asked him if he want to have a beer with me sometime, he remembered the bet I lost for him last year – I still owe him a cold beer. so we are going to settle the bet.

I hate him

I really really do.