I hate him

I am so annoyed with myself. It has been a year. 12 months since I saw him and It’s not like he is my Ex , just a friend. that’s it. a few texts from him, and once again I am sucked into this stupid crush. It is so ridiculous! I hate him.

and my friends just getting sick with this too.. I am not allowed to talk about him, and it’s cool since I moved on almost a year ago, kinda.

so, we texted for a bit and today he wrote me that lately he is thinking about me a lot. every day.

what the fuck?? you can’t say things like that to me, how can he be so clueless? he is like that with all of our friends, smiling and just complimenting women. to him this is not flirting. I hate him.

he always makes me feel like a stupid teenage girl.

I am 25 years old! I should act my age.

I asked him if he want to have a beer with me sometime, he remembered the bet I lost for him last year – I still owe him a cold beer. so we are going to settle the bet.

I hate him

I really really do.

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obsession

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They are just so many good looking men in all those dating site’s data. and I don’t see myself with no one of them. is that weird? I do want to find someone special, someone that will be there for me. and yet, I don’t have the patience for that.

So what do I really want? why am I chatting with all those men only to get bored and frustrated? why am I doing this for myself? to them? am I mean? probably.

There is this part of me, a terrified part, that just want to find it. the secret point in life when all the birds sings and you can’t stop smiling like a lunatic. I want to wake up and be complete, I want to be- disney princess kind of happy. I want the dream. I want the lie.

But the other part of me, is just so tired of waiting! so tired of the drama that follow love.

especially when that love is never reciprocated.

I still daydream about him sometimes. my heart just wants him so much. but then again- no. I do not want to be with him. because being with him will be so brilliant, and all good things comes to their end.

maybe I don’t really want him. I haven’t seen him since September, he is probably not the same. I probably wanted him from the begining just because I couldn’t have him. he was my friend, still is. this obsession with him is probably my messed up mind trying to fit my search for love and my fears from it.

I probably never really loved him. how does this post turned out to be about him anyway?

well. I am always thinking about him.

so, dating sites.

most of the men there look a lot better then him! just so you know… my friends reaction when they figured out my secret crush was “are you attracted to him? really?”

yes really!

maybe I should just meet one of those men. maybe some meaningless sex will get him out of my fucked up mind.

too bad I am such a coward to actually do that. besides my roommate hit on most of the men in the area from the site. I really don’t need this.

or maybe I do.

What the hell am I doing?