The easy going act.

I haven’t seen the new guy I am seeing since Monday morning. and it is silly but it feels so much longer. I have only met him a month ago and already I have crossed so many of my lines with him. but does not feels like love, I know love- intense brutal longing that makes your heart break again and again.

my friend says I have a naive look on relationships, that that intensity that joins love usually comes latter, after you forms intimacy. I don’t really believe that. maybe that is what I am trying to prove to myself by staying with this guy. although it does not makes any sense.

I don’t really know what this rant is about. he is leaving for a trip next month and that is when I am going to break this off. I think. if I am planing on ending things- why not doing it now? I keep asking myself that and I have no answer. I don’t really do things that could hurt me in the long run. not anymore anyway. so why am I exited about tonight? why keep telling myself to just end things next time?

baa I am so gonna get hurt from this. the stupid cold, easy going act is going to get back at me.

one month to go.

 

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I don’t know

I don’t know OK! I don’t fucking know. and I already told you to back off a bit. you didn’t listen, why? why? can you tell me? is it because I asked for more time before we sleep together? is it because I am so fucking Klutz around you. why didn’t you listen dumb it!

you ruined it.

or maybe it was me again. I should probably just give up. adopt a  cat, or maybe twenty and named them after characters from Harry Potter. you don’t like the series, I guess that was suppose to be my first clue.

I am not fucked up. do you know how hurtful that was for me to hear? I know I am clueless when it comes to relationships. I know I have problem opening up. but I told you, do you have any idea how hard it was for me to tell you?

I don’t like it when people ask me what am I thinking or how am I feeling. that just makes me closed up even more! and I told you that when you just did not give up.

I said I am happy with the way things are going, why wasn’t it enough for you? you say you don’t know how to read me, that I am a closed book. but you are pressing the pages so hard the book is falling apart.

we had a good time tonight, laying in your bed. for the first time since I met you I thought to myself ‘hey. this might work’.

I do not need help ‘communicating with the world’.

I do not need ‘to work on myself’ ‘ to better myself’

and you don’t fucking know me enough to say that to me.

and now you lost your chance.

 

Fear

Fuck, I am really starting to like this guy. and he want to sleep with me, I am frustrating him so much. he will never say it because he is a gentleman, but I just know it.

and its not that I don’t want him. I am. I really do! but I can’t help it. I am scared to let him in. to let him get to know me at that level. the idea of opening up to him just freaking me out.

the last time I have been with a man with a deeper level of feelings- the guy went mental. he was sick and was admitted to the psychological ward at the hospital. when I know for a fact that this guy is sane, what if there are other things? what if we just won’t work out a few weeks from now? he is thinking about taking a trip, what if he meet a beautiful girl overseas?

But I want him. I really do. and I am so sick of acting like a 16 years old virgin in front of him. this stupid fear is breaking this for me.

how am I suppose to speak with him about this stuff?

Clueless

I don’t know what is going on with me lately. well, I do- and I hate it so fucking much!

I miss the rush. the butterflies.

That special feeling when you wake up in the morning- and just smilie because you are going to see him today. and it does not matter that he is not yours, you are going to see him, speak with him, laugh with him.

Everything is at it’s place.

I don’t think that I miss him- the man I fell in love with, the one that I could not stop thinking about.I believe that I am just missing the idea of being in love. I miss the prospect of companionship, the idea that maybe I don’t have to do this alone anymore.

and I need sex. I never had a dry spell so long!!

I even had steamy fantasies about the librairian. and I hate that guy, he’s always threatening to kick me out when I snick in some soda. earlier today he came to my desk to annoy me once again, and suddenly all I could think about is him “punishing” me on one of the desks in the quiet rooms (who didn’t stay quiet for long). I was so mortified! I kept blushing and stuttering!

The sad part is that I can’t do hook-ups. I wish I could, really.

I don’t really know what I am doing. I don’t know what I want. and even if I did I am completely clueless when it comes to picking out men.

There is this  one friend from class who is really great. and I think I want him. but he is a good guy, I don’t want to play with him.