When Ego is in the way

I met him on a dating site. a charming and smart guy radiating with confidence. and what can I say?

I jumped.

on our first date we went into this seclusive bar. it was only the to of us there watching the people passing by in the street below us. I played with my hair and then he kissed me. he made my speechless in so many levels.

but nothing is perfect. relationships are hard. and opening up for someone new is even harder. on our second date I run my car into a bush, on out third and forth I tried really hard to let him in. on our fifth he confronted me about it, and I promised him I will tried.

and from then on things were looking great. I told him things, we watch Doctor Who together, he remembered how I drink my coffee. yeah everything looked great.

to me at least.

fuck I told him about my brother’s autism- I never talks about that, and yet I did.

for more then a week- he was really busy. studying and working every single moment. I understood that he does not have the time to call or text me at all, and when he did it was when I was already retiring to bed. I was a student to. I got that.

but I missed him. It is stupid but I did. I found myself waiting for his calls but also wanting to give him space to finish his stuff. I think it scared me a bit- me missing him. he is planning a trip for a few months from July, and I just really could not be the girl who sits around waiting for her man! and missing him.

so when he finally was done with his work- he called, and I broke things off with him. I blamed it on ‘not enough communication’ and I just felt so guilty all day- I was a student to, I know what it is like to be on a exam period.

the arsehole texted me later- he blamed me. he wrote that I do not speak with him enough. and that I have a problem. Is he for real?? it was just so condescending! he wrote that I should work on that for my next relationship.

fuck it.

my next relationship? fine! so I logged into my OkCupid account. keep telling myself that it is so soon and I should wait.

but he was already online!

I guess I am that forgettable.

I hate dating.

The easy going act.

I haven’t seen the new guy I am seeing since Monday morning. and it is silly but it feels so much longer. I have only met him a month ago and already I have crossed so many of my lines with him. but does not feels like love, I know love- intense brutal longing that makes your heart break again and again.

my friend says I have a naive look on relationships, that that intensity that joins love usually comes latter, after you forms intimacy. I don’t really believe that. maybe that is what I am trying to prove to myself by staying with this guy. although it does not makes any sense.

I don’t really know what this rant is about. he is leaving for a trip next month and that is when I am going to break this off. I think. if I am planing on ending things- why not doing it now? I keep asking myself that and I have no answer. I don’t really do things that could hurt me in the long run. not anymore anyway. so why am I exited about tonight? why keep telling myself to just end things next time?

baa I am so gonna get hurt from this. the stupid cold, easy going act is going to get back at me.

one month to go.

 

Second Thoughts

” I don’t know you might be right, but I just think you are giving up to fast. a part of getting to know each other is making mistakes. I am not sad about the breakup, but if you want to keep trying call me”

fuck. why am I not attracting to him? he is so sweet! and I did gave up to fast. but this is what I do. breaking things before they even built.

I don’t know what to do.

Single Again

And I broke things off with another guy. one more to the pile.

why do I have such a childish concept of relationships? I fell in love three times, went out with one, the others just got away. but I want that feeling you know? the attraction, the excitement. but what if you only get three chances in this?

fuck I guess the first clue about this one was that I never really programmed his number into my phone, I knew it wouldn’t last. the second clue was that he sometimes asked me what am I thinking, I just hate when people ask that! sometimes silence is good.

I just feel like such a failure.  I told myself that with this one I am going to sleep with, to break all the awkwardness- but I couldn’t even do that. and I feel like I leaded  on this nice, gentle man- and then just ruin it all. the worst part is that he felt like he did something wrong. when I am the fucked up person.

back to single life again. I really hate myself sometimes.

Awkward and Stupid

I just had the worst sexual experience in my life. and I don’t really get what went wrong. I really thought that I want him. I feel like such a jerk.

It really hurt. and I just had to stop him before anything went further. he was the perfect gentleman and when I got dressed I just couldn’t really look him in the eye.

It was just so.. so mechanical. no real foreplay, It just felt a bit, cold. and it is not really on him.  but with M it was just so easy! just looking at him made me want him so bad. on our first encounter we were already in second base. but that was years ago.

I don’t really know what to think. should I feel guilty for stopping him? I know I shouldn’t but I still feel so fucking bad!

Is it always going to be with men like that? me being so interested until we head to bed?

this is definitely one of the most embarrassing nights of my life.

Cliff Jumping

Why is it so hard to find it?

I feel like I am jumping from one cliff to another, never careful, always worried. sometimes I wish I could run to the top of a mountain, and just yell at the world : ”  I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT” and just wait for the wind to answer. but in the reality of things- their is no cheat sheet, no shortcuts. and it’s sucks. so much.

Sometimes I thing I still love him, or maybe the idea of him. I tried to put it behind me. I even opened a new blog, just so I could get out-  and have a clean page, or feed or whatever. life is just so crazy, I am just so crazy. I mean- I don’t want him. I just want to find someone that will make me feel like he did- and this time do something about it.

perhaps this is the real issue here- not doing anything. because how many times in life came the guy that is so attractive that all you want to do is to be locked with him somewhere. that sweet person that you could speak all night with, and tell him secrets. the man that is so protective and caring

and fuck here I go again…

It had been so long, we are still in touch but it is the past, gone, done.

and this is only one side of the cliff. the romantic side, the part of me that really believe a few of those brilliant man are out there, at least one of them were.

the other side is the realist. you see- I have a new guy. he is also sweet and smart. but I have the felling he is more looking for a sex based relationships. and that is ok. sex is fun. god knows i need some.

but I always do this! spending some steamy nights with a man, having fun. taking it to the extreme. and then when its all over- I feel like shit.

what is wrong with me- I choose to moon over a guy for ages, falling head over heels for a good friend, not doing anything about it. and then find this guy to have fun with, while lying to myself that real love does not exist.

where is the middle ground here? sometimes it feels like I am jumping from one side to another, not really looking in the mirror for the true. I see myself as reckless, independent, strong. the girl that just loves to be single. this not who I am. the other side is screaming : “STOP LYING YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT”.

 

 

 

 

I am just afraid to go for it. always had. I tried not to look down, to forget the last time I jumped, and fell. and fell. and fell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All you need is love

We all blame the culture. It’s Disney fault , and hollywood, and the patriarchal world. that is why a girl feels empty without a man. It is just so wrong to be alone those days. everyone found your worth by your relationship status. and it is so wrong.

but why is it?

I mean- I don’t think I am defected just because I don’t do boyfriends. I probably am, but it is hard for me to see it. but in my heart I just know it is wrong. and its not the society’s making- It is all me. I need love in my life. I could keep deny it, but I need a man to hold me at night and to travel with me. I need a man to plan my future with, to watch GoT, to complain about the new Harry Potter movie, a man I could talk and talk with and never feel that the conversation is forced. I just want to be in love again. no- I need to be in love again.

but how could I- when I keep rejecting man? when I just plan my travels to be solo and my bed to be single? I could I when all I ever do is denying it, fighting it, trying to forget about it.
I don’t want to get hurt- but what if it’s me that is doing all the hurting?