Awkward and Stupid

I just had the worst sexual experience in my life. and I don’t really get what went wrong. I really thought that I want him. I feel like such a jerk.

It really hurt. and I just had to stop him before anything went further. he was the perfect gentleman and when I got dressed I just couldn’t really look him in the eye.

It was just so.. so mechanical. no real foreplay, It just felt a bit, cold. and it is not really on him.  but with M it was just so easy! just looking at him made me want him so bad. on our first encounter we were already in second base. but that was years ago.

I don’t really know what to think. should I feel guilty for stopping him? I know I shouldn’t but I still feel so fucking bad!

Is it always going to be with men like that? me being so interested until we head to bed?

this is definitely one of the most embarrassing nights of my life.

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Fear

Fuck, I am really starting to like this guy. and he want to sleep with me, I am frustrating him so much. he will never say it because he is a gentleman, but I just know it.

and its not that I don’t want him. I am. I really do! but I can’t help it. I am scared to let him in. to let him get to know me at that level. the idea of opening up to him just freaking me out.

the last time I have been with a man with a deeper level of feelings- the guy went mental. he was sick and was admitted to the psychological ward at the hospital. when I know for a fact that this guy is sane, what if there are other things? what if we just won’t work out a few weeks from now? he is thinking about taking a trip, what if he meet a beautiful girl overseas?

But I want him. I really do. and I am so sick of acting like a 16 years old virgin in front of him. this stupid fear is breaking this for me.

how am I suppose to speak with him about this stuff?

Caught up

I am getting Caught up in this. We are going on to the third date and I can’t stop smiling. that is scary as hell. but I am not going to run away from this. not this time. I am going to see what is going to came out of this. not running, not searching for the bad things. not trying to find stupid faults in the guy and cut it to an end.

and for god sake- STOP SMILING!

Cliff Jumping

Why is it so hard to find it?

I feel like I am jumping from one cliff to another, never careful, always worried. sometimes I wish I could run to the top of a mountain, and just yell at the world : ”  I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT” and just wait for the wind to answer. but in the reality of things- their is no cheat sheet, no shortcuts. and it’s sucks. so much.

Sometimes I thing I still love him, or maybe the idea of him. I tried to put it behind me. I even opened a new blog, just so I could get out-  and have a clean page, or feed or whatever. life is just so crazy, I am just so crazy. I mean- I don’t want him. I just want to find someone that will make me feel like he did- and this time do something about it.

perhaps this is the real issue here- not doing anything. because how many times in life came the guy that is so attractive that all you want to do is to be locked with him somewhere. that sweet person that you could speak all night with, and tell him secrets. the man that is so protective and caring

and fuck here I go again…

It had been so long, we are still in touch but it is the past, gone, done.

and this is only one side of the cliff. the romantic side, the part of me that really believe a few of those brilliant man are out there, at least one of them were.

the other side is the realist. you see- I have a new guy. he is also sweet and smart. but I have the felling he is more looking for a sex based relationships. and that is ok. sex is fun. god knows i need some.

but I always do this! spending some steamy nights with a man, having fun. taking it to the extreme. and then when its all over- I feel like shit.

what is wrong with me- I choose to moon over a guy for ages, falling head over heels for a good friend, not doing anything about it. and then find this guy to have fun with, while lying to myself that real love does not exist.

where is the middle ground here? sometimes it feels like I am jumping from one side to another, not really looking in the mirror for the true. I see myself as reckless, independent, strong. the girl that just loves to be single. this not who I am. the other side is screaming : “STOP LYING YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT”.

 

 

 

 

I am just afraid to go for it. always had. I tried not to look down, to forget the last time I jumped, and fell. and fell. and fell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

just enough

Did you ever felt so out of place

so wrong and fucked up

like everyone in the world are trying to change you

looking down on you

trying to make you feel so small

that is how I feel at my parent’s place. my mother, god I really hate her sometimes, she keeps telling people that I have no life. she always bags me about my hair or my shoes. I just will never be enough. I will never be me.

I hate living here. after three years outside I just had to come back. I hate it. and I hate how I don’t have any money to change things around, to move out.

what is so wrong about me reading a book instead of going out? wtching Sci-Fi instead of some shitty reality TV. what is so wrong about the fact that I have a ADHD semi-life, that I can’t really study for long hours- so I procrastinate  and gives up on doing things that might distract me- for studying. what is so wrong about my curly hair? it’s bushy and wierd red colored, what is so fucking wrong about that? what is wrong with the fact that I don’t want a boyfriend right now? I sorry dear mother but you make sure I will be so fucked up to be a part of a steady relationship.

I am 26 years old. I am writing the same post I wrote at 16. and sometimes I really think that it will always be the same.

I need to save up for a new place. but I am also so eager to travel, to be back on the road.

I am just to tired of this, all over again.

I know who I really am, and what do I want and sometimes I just want to scream it at loud. but also at times I just wish I could I have a normal, functional family. a little support from them, no judgement and no me hiding in my room like a teenager.

 

 

 

A letter to a bully

It annoys me how some people in our life could just hunt us, never going away, ghost from the past just lurking in the shaddows. whats aggravating me is that- they have no idea about their misdeed, no moments of recollection, no awareness of what they did. who made them so powerful? who gave them the means to cut and tear your life without any warning or sign?

I hate him. his laughter still rings in my ears. how dare he? casually sending me a message, asking me if I know who he is.

‘Yes’ I want to answer

‘You were the worst bully I ever had in high school, you put me in the spotlight – when all I wanted is to disappear. you made me cut friendships, you made all the shit I went through at home even worst. and with no real home, and no safe ground at school – where was I supposed to run?’

‘After each time I saw you and your little friends, I found myself crying in one of the bathrooms. everything was a joke to you isn’t it? throwing junk on me, pointing out all the things I hated about my body, still do on rainy days. and I was just so lost and unhappy all the time. you didn’t help much with that.’

Fuck it was ten years ago, why one message takes me back. I don’t want to be back there.

Never.

‘And you know whats hurt the most? you are not evil. you don’t really make the cut for a novel prize, but you just got carried away. you went with the flow, trying to impress the cool kids. and that is what gave you the title of the worst bully in my life – you knew whats it’s like to be different, and insecure. you just thought that by diminishing me farther – you will rise above’

‘I remember one geography class. we were in the 9th grade. the popular act was to steal my table every time I got out of the classroom. by the third time its happend that day- I was so close to tears. I just stood there, staring at the door planning my escape routh – when you just got up and gave me your table. what happend to that sweet boy? you were the only one who didn’t laugh at me.’

‘I know I was a loser back then, I was like the crazy girl from the breakfast club, everything at home was just so fucked up. and then school…I don’t blame you. You just went with the flow, and it was ten years ago. but the casual, flirty kind of message I just got – was really out of place. I moved on, well mostly. I know who I am now, I know who are my real friends and I can stand up to my parents. you are probably different now. unfortunately to me you will always be the kid that aim grapes at my breasts.’

***
sorry about the rant, I just needed to get this out.

I hate him

I am so annoyed with myself. It has been a year. 12 months since I saw him and It’s not like he is my Ex , just a friend. that’s it. a few texts from him, and once again I am sucked into this stupid crush. It is so ridiculous! I hate him.

and my friends just getting sick with this too.. I am not allowed to talk about him, and it’s cool since I moved on almost a year ago, kinda.

so, we texted for a bit and today he wrote me that lately he is thinking about me a lot. every day.

what the fuck?? you can’t say things like that to me, how can he be so clueless? he is like that with all of our friends, smiling and just complimenting women. to him this is not flirting. I hate him.

he always makes me feel like a stupid teenage girl.

I am 25 years old! I should act my age.

I asked him if he want to have a beer with me sometime, he remembered the bet I lost for him last year – I still owe him a cold beer. so we are going to settle the bet.

I hate him

I really really do.