Cliff Jumping

Why is it so hard to find it?

I feel like I am jumping from one cliff to another, never careful, always worried. sometimes I wish I could run to the top of a mountain, and just yell at the world : ”  I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT” and just wait for the wind to answer. but in the reality of things- their is no cheat sheet, no shortcuts. and it’s sucks. so much.

Sometimes I thing I still love him, or maybe the idea of him. I tried to put it behind me. I even opened a new blog, just so I could get out-  and have a clean page, or feed or whatever. life is just so crazy, I am just so crazy. I mean- I don’t want him. I just want to find someone that will make me feel like he did- and this time do something about it.

perhaps this is the real issue here- not doing anything. because how many times in life came the guy that is so attractive that all you want to do is to be locked with him somewhere. that sweet person that you could speak all night with, and tell him secrets. the man that is so protective and caring

and fuck here I go again…

It had been so long, we are still in touch but it is the past, gone, done.

and this is only one side of the cliff. the romantic side, the part of me that really believe a few of those brilliant man are out there, at least one of them were.

the other side is the realist. you see- I have a new guy. he is also sweet and smart. but I have the felling he is more looking for a sex based relationships. and that is ok. sex is fun. god knows i need some.

but I always do this! spending some steamy nights with a man, having fun. taking it to the extreme. and then when its all over- I feel like shit.

what is wrong with me- I choose to moon over a guy for ages, falling head over heels for a good friend, not doing anything about it. and then find this guy to have fun with, while lying to myself that real love does not exist.

where is the middle ground here? sometimes it feels like I am jumping from one side to another, not really looking in the mirror for the true. I see myself as reckless, independent, strong. the girl that just loves to be single. this not who I am. the other side is screaming : “STOP LYING YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT”.

 

 

 

 

I am just afraid to go for it. always had. I tried not to look down, to forget the last time I jumped, and fell. and fell. and fell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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